Alistair Griffin - 10/07/15

10th July 2015. Lunchtime:

DAMN IT. DAMN IT. DAMN IT. Alistair Griffin is playing in the monkey tree pub in west bridgford, literally 10 min walk from my house tonight and its sold out :( I forgot about it :( I was too broke to get a ticket before i got paid and i only just remembered about it and it's sold out :( I'm super sad. 

I was this 17 year old in N. Ireland dreaming of escape in 2003, listening to Alistair, in love with my first love and wondering what if, and now 12 years later, im sat in Nottingham, wishing i could see the gig tonight. I could never imagined then what my life would be now. its so frustrating i cant get a ticket. BLOODLY AMATEUR HAYLEY!

"Have you ever loved someone,

But you waited just too long,

To tell them what you're feeling.

Maybe I was just too proud,

To say I love you right out loud,

Found the words I must believe in.

On this night, it holds us both within,

Set me free, oh let me live again."

10th July 2015. Dinner time:

Managed to get in :D Alistair very kindly tweeted me to tell me their was tickets on the door :) so excited. And for a great cause too, Marie curie x

Can't actually believe I managed to get in to see Alistair Griffin tonight. So excited. And he is beautiful.  He's literally just right over there *points*. This is not a fangirl event, this is a fundraiser for Marie Curie. I can do this haha.

10th July 2015. The gig:

Amazing gig tonight with Alistair Griffin . A little function room at the Monkey Tree bar in West Bridgford, capacity maybe about 80 people, and he was great. I still love his voice.

It was 2003. I was a 17 year old watching Fame Academy in Ireland. Alistair was always my favourite. Even before he covered my ultimate love, savage garden's 'truly madly deeply'. I bought his debut album and I remember listening to 'Bring it on' and 'You and Me (Tonight)' and wishing of escape. I was in love with my first love who didn't love me, and now I'm 29 and Alistair played a pub just down the road from me in Nottingham. Surreal. Almost a full circle. Never thought life would take this road and our paths would ever meet like they did tonight. 

He opened with The Killers Mr Brightside, way to get me on side ;) I loved it. It sounds so good acoustic. 

'I wish for you the world'. A song Alistair recorded originally with a choir. It's a beautiful song.

'She loves you'. A Beatles cover. Not a fave song of mine but his voice is beautiful. 

'The  one'. A song Alistair recorded originally as a duet. It killed me. It's so beautiful. "We are hopeless, we are young, we are dreamers on the run, but I know, I know right now, you are the one".

Joni Mitchell's 'Both Sides Now'. Alistair joked the only reason people knew it was from love actually. Only reason I know it lol.

'Just drive'. This song brought Alistair back to my attention during the F1 in 2012. I love this song. A lot. Such a gorgeous ballad. "There is a star that lights the road, Will it take me to the end? Well, I don't know But for last time, I take this ride and just drive"

"It's a camp fire song, end of the night, but it's not the end of the night, yet" Ben E. King's stand by me. Such a beautiful song. I love it. Always have. 

Then we had Alistair adjusting his strap and talking about snapping the G string. Hahaha. He's talking about a guitar people! Minds out the gutter. HAHAHAHA. 

Take that's Rule the World. "There is only about 2 left, Steve?, Jason, Mark" STEVE. Hahahaha.

Take That's back for good. The sing-a-long that was just classic. "I'll be Gary and you be the remaining members of Take That". There was one guy singing 'Roger Black'. It's 'WANT YOU BACK'. *dies laughing*

The Killers 'Human'. Oh my. It was so beautiful. One of my favourite ever songs. Ever. Acoustic it was gorgeous. 

Hallelujah. "This song was written by Leonard Cohen, made famous by Jeff Buckley, and to the younger generation, shrek".

"This is an untitled song". It's was a gorgeous song. 

"Fly away little bird ... now it's your turn to be free".

Kings of Leon's Sex on Fire. This just seemed ironic as most of the people in the room were over 50 haha. It was fun acoustic. 

'The road'. Originally a duet with Kimberley from girls aloud. The song Alistair wrote for the Tour De France's grand depart in Yorkshire in 2014. It's gorgeous. I'd forgot about this song.

Journey's 'Don't stop believing'. Always a classic sing-song ain't it?

Bruce Springsteen's 'If I Should Fall Behind'. "It's not very well known. It's on an album of theirs" I've heard this song somewhere before. Perhaps my dad has played it in the kitchen on the stereo, or maybe I've seen another band cover it somewhere. "I'll wait for you, and if I should fall behind, Wait for me". It's so Beautiful. Alistair's voice is gorgeous on this song. Definitely a highlight. 

'I have lived'. An original song of Alistair's. It's gorgeous. I haven't heard it before but I fell in love with it. "And when they bring the news that I was drinking champagne when I died, And my sixth wife will tell the gathered crowds, now please don't cry, You see, my friends, I have lived each moment of each day, And I have lived"

Avicii's 'wake me up'. A great set closer. Such a great dance song, even acoustic it was a dance ditty. 

Afterwards I got brave enough to go to speak to Alistair. My heart beat out of my chest just thinking about walking over to him. But I did it, and he was adorable. I reached out and hugged him. 'Nice to meet you' was all I could think of. I didn't really know what to say but Alistair was amazing. He was interested in my life. We talked about Ireland, Nottingham, what brought me here, what I do.. We lamented the disposable nature of the music industry today, talked about bands; The Killers, Ed Sheeran, the feeling, scouting for girls.. Alistair tells me he covers 'spaceman' and 'thinking out loud' as well. Would love to be a fly on that wall.. We talked about Fame Academy and how Lemar was the only other one still doing music really. Then Alistair said he was doing a gig in Mansfield soon, in a cave. I said 'that could work' and we joked about getting places to gigs and stuff and then I said I might come And he joked 'I'm sure there's a bus'. Made me smile. I told him I adored 'The One'. Then I told him again it was nice to meet him and I shook his hand and walked away. Then remembered I wanted a selfie. So I went back and asked for one. He said he like selfies because you can see in your hair doesn't look good and you can adjust it. Too right, I hear you.

Tonight was lovely. I hope a lot of money was raised for cancer tonight. Beverley seems like a lovely lady. The raffle was funny. Just my luck. 86-90 on white won and I had 91-95. And 91-95 won eventually, but on pink. 

It was a fun night. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to walk into that bar alone and feel judged. Live music and all the feels from that will always be enough to push me into going and get me over any anxiety I feel. Because music really is my happy place. It takes me somewhere. Someplace else.

Thank Alistair and thank you Beverley. 

My End of Year List of Amazing Things 2023

1. ALBUM THAT SURPASSED ALL OTHERS

Lewis Capaldi - broken by desire to be heavenly sent. I love it. It got me though some rough times. Such a solid album. 

2. ALBUM THAT MADE ME SMILE

Ed Sheeran - ‘-‘ (subtract).  A great honest album.  4 songs I have on repeat. Eyes closed, dusty, no strings, and spark. “If we make it through this year, we should celebrate it”  

3. MAN I'D LIKE TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH

It’s still gotta be Scott McEwan from The Candle Thieves. I say it every year. 

4. THING YOU'RE MOST SICK OF

Rudeness. And Idiots. And rude idiots. 

5. THING I MOST DESIRED BUT DIDN'T GET

A holiday. 

6. ALBUM THAT MOST STIRRED MY SOUL

Snow Patrol - Final Straw (20th anniversary). I guess it’s cheating as it’s from 20 years ago, but it’s connected to my soul. 17 year old me didn’t appreciate it fully at the time, But Gary Lightbody’s voice became an anthem of “home” to me. Every time I landed in N.  Ireland I would hit play on the airport bus. And I’ll never forget Gary being a beacon of hope every Thursday in lockdown. One of the most humble people I’ve ever had the pleasure or meeting. 

7. MOST STYLISH MAN

 

Lewis Hamilton. Not a massive fan of all his looks but love seeing his outfits every race weekend. The best being the 90’s Brazil football team tracksuit in honor of his love of Brazil and Aryton Senna.  

8. FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEO .

Ed Sheeran - Celestial. I know it’s from 2022 but I only watched it this year. It’s Ed and Pokemon. Two of my favourite loves, and such a heartfelt video. 

9. FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOW

Teen Mom: The Next Chapter. I know it’s car crash drama but I love it. 

10. FAVOURITE CHARACTER SINCE E.T.

Ember and wade from Elemental. I can’t pick just one. They go together like they are meant to be. Such an amazing heartfelt poignant movie. 

11. COOLEST ROCK STAR

Matt Healy, for having a merch tee that says “LOL ur not Matt Healy” and for Malaysia. Go Matty. 

“I don’t see the fucking point… of inviting the 1975 to a country and then telling us who we can have sex with… the outrage against our band for remaining consistent with our pro-LGBTQ stage show which was the most puzzling thing”

12. BEST PROTEST SIGN

“Hate is a DRAG”.  Protests in America about states trying to ban drag artists. 

13. THE THING THE HUMAN RACE WILL BE ASHAMED OF IN 30 YEARS

I’m gonna go with the cost of living crisis. People hungry, cold and homeless in the UK, when it’s the 5th richest country in the world. The Government should be ashamed of themselves. No one in a “wealthy” country should be needing help to heat their homes, needing food banks or having to choose between feeding themselves or their kids, or choosing between food or heating. Pay a living wage. 

14. COOLEST STYLE AND DESIGN ICON

Emily Coxhead. Again. I still love her. She shares both sides of instragram and reality. Keeps it real and gives messages of hope. 

15. BEST GIG of 2023.

Darren Hayes - Birmingham Symphony Hall. D was electric that night and I was so happy. I was on cloud 9 all day and night. Happiness is gigs with my girlies. 

16. FAVOURITE PICTURE YOU TOOK THIS YEAR.

So many moments. The cats. Ireland. Halloween and Christmas in Nottingham. Concert photos. But I’m gonna go with a special moment. A double rainbow right outside our house. 

17. FAVOURITE SINGLE OF 2023.

Scouting for girls - Glow.

I love it. Such a fun, heartfelt song. From a great album ‘The Place we used to meet’.

“And I knew on the night I met ya

When we kissed I could taste forever

But how was I supposed to know

You'd light my world up and make it glow?

You make it glow”

19. BEST NEW ARTIST OF 2023

Richard Walters that supported Darren Hayes on tour. ‘After midnight’ struck such a chord with me. And happy memories of tour. 

20. FAVOURITE FILM OF 2023.

Elemental. An amazing funny, colourful and thought provoking film about how Fire and Water fall in love but ‘cannot’ be together. It’s amazing. 

21. FAVOURITE INDIE ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Still Gotta be ‘The Candle Thieves’. They connect directly to my soul. 

I think Glock himself said it best “We very often write lyrics that sit on the bright side of negative”. It’s been a joy to see them headline Stamford and support Darren Hayes this year.  Perfection. 

22. THING(S) YOU ACCOMPLISHED THIS YEAR.

*asking for help with medication for my crippling anxiety and depression

*recovering from my mental breakdown 

*the most amazing counsellor that helped me finally understand me and be kinder to Hayley. 

*seeing Darren Hayes tour again!! Forever a pinch me moment.

23. A LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR.

That it’s ok to rest. You only have a finite amount of energy in the bank. If you take from it, then you have to replenish it. 

24. TOP 10 MOST PLAYED SONGS  IN 2023

1. Ed Sheeran - eyes closed

2. Lewis Capaldi - how I’m feeling now 

3. Lewis Capaldi - burning

4. Lewis Capaldi- Wish you the best 

5. Lewis Capaldi - Any kind of life

6. Ed sheeran - No strings

7. Savage garden - crash and burn

8. The 1975 - When we are together 

9. Lewis Capaldi- The pretender

10. Ed Sheeran - Spark

25. MOST EXCITING DISCOVERY THIS YEAR

That our kitty minion was ok after his health scares. I love that little kitty with all my heart. He’s my best mate. He’s my comfort and my source of laughter. (And a source of stress but he can’t be good all the time).

26. FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2023.

Seeing Lewis Capaldi live.

Darren Hayes tour!!

Castle archdale with my bestie in Ireland. 

Our 1st wedding anniversary. 

My little sis’ successful surgery. 

All the minion cuddles.

Eva finally accepting me and allowing cuddles.

Halloween monsters trail.

Christmas market. 

Also: Gigs, Sunsets, photography, gaming, time with friends and my hubby. 

27. THING(S) YOU ARE MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2024

Ireland in Feb.

Bill Bailey with my hubby. 

The feeling gigs (x 2).

The killers in London with my partner-in-crime kelly.

Our friends wedding. 

Our 2nd wedding anniversary. 

Scouting for girls in Lincoln. 

Darren Hayes memoir.

saying yes to ADVENTURES!

Here’s to 2024! 

Do more of what makes your soul happy. Be ruthless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.

RIP Mark Sheehan

I’ve been thinking so much about the passing of Mark (Guitarist with The Script) these last few days. And I knew I wanted to blog all my feelings. 

When I first seen the preview of the announcement on my instagram notifications, with just his face in the photo, I thought it was just gonna say he’s left the band. He’s been gone a while but I was not prepared to never see him, never hear him, never laugh with him, (and at him..) or cry with him in joy and sadness, ever again.

It doesn’t seem real. I cried so hard. People might think that’s silly for someone I didn’t know personally but to me, Mark was so much. An inspiration. A light in my dark. 

I cried myself to sleep the day he passed. I couldn’t stop thinking of his poor wife, laying alone without him, whilst reminding myself how lucky I am. Life is so fucking unfair. How can 3 kids just be robbed of their dad, a fucking amazing man, Like that? 

I’ve see this band 44 times. They remain my most watched live band. From a few hundred at O’Shea’s Irish bar in Manchester, to 80,000 at Croke park in Dublin. This band are my everything. 

Mark and I had so many memories. More than i can probably remember. 

My love of this band started with the man who can’t be moved, I stayed around because of science and faith, and then kelly convinced me to come to London to see them do an album launch show for the 3rd record. Kelly had sent sent me a couple of sneaky new songs we shouldn’t have had yet. One was six degrees of separation. I sat crying in the middle of kings cross station waiting for kelly, listening to them songs for the first time.

We went to the gig, Barrier right in front of mark. He starts his bit in six degrees, where he calls out “No, no, there ain't no help, it's every man for himself” and in instinct I call back. It was a real moment between artist and fan, him and me. (And then they cussed us all out for knowing the words before the songs were released 😂).

That part of Mark‘s in six degrees became a thing between mark and I whenever I was barrier in front of him, he and I would have a moment. (I and many other fans at many other shows and the same shows, I know I’m not special but those moments where)

After that album launch show, that band and mark gained a special place in my heart. 

I remember Bridlington and after the show my friend Anna said "did you see mark looking over the speaker for you?". I was of course mark’s side but so far behind a speaker he couldn’t see me, and I could barely see him…  then we met them after the show. Some girl had left her heels in the middle of the group of us and ran over to him. I of course tripped over them and mark wanted to know what happened 😂. I can’t even remember what I told him, probably just that I tripped over someone’s shoes and he laughed. He was rather drunk and I was rather speechless. And I remember hating how I looked in that photo but now I just treasure it. 

But that isn’t my favourite time I met Mark. My favourite time was the second time time. Cardiff 19.03.2013. That show was something else. Then mark almost got lynched for saying they had their first lock-in in England last night.. but they were in wales 😂. We waited ages after the show at the gate. By the time the they had come out to say hello, we only had a couple of hours before a national express coach hell via London to get the next show in Brighton. But it was so worth it. Mark was so beautiful to us all. He literally skipped over to the gate, stank of whiskey, it I wouldn’t have had it any other way. he worked hard, gave us everything and more, and played hard.

I remember when they first joined periscope. Mark had got a multipack of cheese and onion tayto crisps, lifted his shirt up and held it up against his chest, Asking us if we liked his 6 pack.. I laughed so hard. That was typical mark. 

There was the first time I met mark.  29.09.2012.

Lord know how I won tickets to see them at bbc radio 2, that remains my best win ever, it was such a special show and meeting them for the first time afterwards was so surreal.

The there was the HMV signing 08.11.2019. The last time I was to get to speak to mark. I had a tooth abscess from hell, I was in pain before I got on the train to Manchester that morning but I took some painkillers and carried on. But boy, after I left HMV and the buzz had worn off, I was in agony. It was a Friday night. I ended up calling 111 and a paramedic called me back and told me about an amazing drug that basically left me conked out until the dentist on Monday. I would still skip trying to get sorted sooner for the script any day. 

There was a many other moments too.

Then there was Swindon oasis - 25.08.17. The most random venue in a sports hall, with the best jacket spud ever for lunch in the queue. I didn’t want to wait after that show. My feet hurt like hell, and I was exhausted. I was a grumpy nightmare, Kelly persuaded me to stay. And it was then that we got meet and greet style photos with the band. All 3 of them made such an effort to give us everything we wanted and more. I remember their bodyguard Sean telling me to ‘get in there’ with Danny and Glen, but I wasn’t about to move because Mark was closest but still talking kelly, and I was all about Mark. 

Birmingham NEC arena 15.02.18. 

We decided to try and wait at the stage door that night. Anna had brought a bought of

Champagne to the queue to celebrate my engagement. I’d probably drank half of it when the band came out 😂. It was freezing but they were so adorable and gave us all the time they needed to take photos ❤️.

Birmingham NEC Arena - 26.2.15.  One of my favourite times meeting them. I got compliments on my Hoodie and scarf (that was their merch lol). Their bodyguard Sean let us in the corridor at the stage door and lined us all up to get our turn. He told us we all had to turn round and face the wall, we all done it, no questions asked, and when we all turned back around he was pissing himself laughing.  But seriously, What other band would even do that? 

One of my favourite things to do was to try and get all the arty photos. Especially that tour. As I looked through Facebook for the photo of mark and  I, one caught my attention. If you could see me now, and the word ‘gone’ behind mark. 😭. It’s so unfair.

I can’t believe I’ll never get to link arms  with my girls during Mark’s part in ‘For The First Time’ where he repeats over “oh these time are hard” and we sing back through the tears back at him, Yeah, they're making us crazy / Don't give up on me, baby”. It will never be the same without you Mark. But I will keep doing this at any future shows in your memory. 

Over the years it became ‘my thing’ to record Mark’s speeches before certain songs. He was such an inspiration and one day I will dig out all those videos and remember all the feels. I used to feel elated, happy, emotional, inspired, entertained…Mark was all those things to me.  I’ve just read his speeches I had typed out or paraphrased in my iPhone notes.  I laughed and I cried. I really missed his speeches on the tour last year and I noticed straight away he was letting Danny do the talking. But to never get to see Mark again doesn’t seem real and doesn’t make sense. 

These are some of my faves:

"Our view is definitely better than your view, I know you have to look at us fucking ugly bastards.. It's crazy because life is like a tightrope, you can fall off, the wind can blow you anyway it wants, it can take you down, but you know everyday you gotta take one step in front of the other, every single day".  'Man on a Wire’ - Thetford Forest - 11.7.2013

"I'm absolutely terrified of heights and the lads are always doing fucking evil shit to me.  They put on the documentary Man on a wire, about a guy who put a rope between the twin towers and walked across it, (he had a pole but that's not the point), and I thought about why he do that and it has to be girl, so we wrote this song” - Man on a Wire - iTunes festival 15.09.2014

“Music is the umbrella we can all hide under.." - Man on a Wire - Croke Park - 20.06.2015

“Belfast! Are you guys good? It sounds like we are back amongst friends... This song is a little bit like life, life is just like a tightrope, when you are walking across that tightrope you never know if you are gonna fucking fall off or you are gonna hang on"  - 'Man on a Wire’ - Tennents vital - 30.08.15

“…Need somebody to listen to ya, and not listen with the intent to reply all the time, you just need somebody to listen, right? that is what this song is for us. This song is called arms open” - Birmingham o2 academy - 24.08.17

“We wrote this song because the world feels like a fucked up place”.  - ‘Arms Open’ - Birmingham NEC arena 15.02.18

I never really knew about Mark until that #3 album launch show, and our moment. He gained a special place in my heart that day. And his speeches are legendary. And his raps. 

And I still think #3 remains their best album, especially for Mark’s vocals and rapping. I heard a story the label didn’t like it, but I think it’s genius. I loved how they stood up for what he believed in. ‘Give the love around’ is one of my favourite songs. It’s such a message. So powerful. 

I’ll leave you with the greatest rap of Mark’s:

“See the thing about Karma is she loves a bit of drama, yeah

Loves to hunt you down and pay ya back for the things you did

Before you turn a positive to a negative

Better pray before you know exactly who the fuck you're dealing with

This is not a dress rehearsal, let me tell you kid

Whatever you put out there is coming back again

Years may burn (ohh)

Tables gonna turn

Karma's coming back around

Either way you're gonna learn

To give love to your neighbor, love to yourself

It don't matter bout your status

Man your health is your wealth

We can all point a finger but there's four pointing back at yourself

I'll be the bigger man now

Give a little help”

Rest in peace Mark. Party hard with the angels. Hug your mum and dad again, you were too young when you lost them. Make everyone laugh up there and your legacy will always be that you inspired people, including me to do better and be better.

As you would always sign off with, Big Love.

It will hit you like a bowling ball…

(Trigger warning: mental health)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how everything seems so unbearably hard right now, or as Gary Lightbody sang with Snow Patrol:

“It shouldn't need to be so fucking hard  / This is life on earth / It's just life on earth”. 

I’ve always struggled with depression, and it was only when I met my husband that my anxiety got worse. I always had social anxiety but this was some next level shite. And that’s not his fault, that’s a byproduct of being happier. If depression is a fear of the past, anxiety is very much a fear of the future. I was 30 years old and for the longest time I didn’t think about a future. I didn’t think I had one. Or at least not one worthwhile. 

I spent the last quarter of 2021 and most of 2022 in therapy. With little effect if I’m honest. It was a great little ramble every week, you know I can talk for Ireland, but not really all that helpful.  For the longest time, my friends and music have been my therapy. They still are more effective than “sally sue”  every Monday, ever was, or probably ever will be. 

I remember spending one particularly hard night in June 2015 talking to Darren Hayes in my Twitter DMs. Boy did he give me some home truths, but he was right. He basically said I’m a bad ass bitch and he thought my story was one of rejection. 

I seen a quote yesterday on Facebook, it said over explaining yourself is a trauma response to abandonment. I definitely feel like that doesn’t help, and I push people away.  I definitely rely on self comfort, more than I probably should. I comfort myself because for the longest thing, I felt like I was all I had. 

I remember Darren telling me about this song he wrote called ‘H’ for his 2011 album. He said some people, especially me, will understand when we listen to that song.  It was called Hurt. Ironically I was a bit hurt when I first heard it. It’s a song about how hurt people, hurt people. And he was right.  

I woke up this morning determined today was gonna be a better day. I found this quote I had saved from February. It said “if you want to be happy, you have to be happy on purpose. when you wake up you can’t just wait to see what kind of day you’ll have. You have to decide what kind of day you will have”. 

And today was a much better day. I laughed a lot more than I have in days. Yesterday I thought the sound of my own laughter was the furthest thing so far out of my reach. And those that know me, know I don’t stop laughing normally. My favourite thing is laughing at my own jokes, so you don’t have to. 

And this morning on my commute, I went back to the same song by Savage Garden called ‘I don’t care’ I always go back to.  

“People tell me that I feel too much

But I don't care, no I don't care”.

One of the reasons I never took meds for my mental health was because I didn’t want to feel numbed or muted. I want to feel the highest highs, but the trade off is the lowest lows. And as much as the sad is REALLY shit, I want to feel elation, I want to feel joy. I want to feel all the feels. I want to feel that buzz over a concert, or my favourite food, sunset, or that photo I took… or just a random moment with the love of my life. I want to soak it all in.  There are nights even now, 7.5 years later, when I’m laying on my husband’s chest at the end of the day..and I suddenly feel so at peace with the world, so content, I cry with happiness. 

February was a good month.  I was happier than ever. More level. More content. I thought I was finally working it all out. But in the back of my mind, I was waiting for the trap door of depression to fling its way open and gobble me up again. That’s the repeating cycle. I crash, I get more level, and I crash again. It’s been a while, old friend. But these past couple of weeks have been so hard, But you can sod off back to where you came from. 

Or in the words of my favourite band The Candle Thieves:

“I wanna feel the ocean on my skin, I wanna find a way to be happy again, and I don’t want to let go of you”.

If you find something worth fighting for, someone worth fighting for, grab it with both hands, fight for it, And it won’t always be this hard. And in the meantime, there is music, and good friends and good food. 

X

The Candle Thieves - The Sunflower Lounge - 6/2/2019

The Candle Thieves - The Sunflower Lounge - 6/2/2019.

The candle thieves tonight. Wow. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror of the toilets and my face was a picture. I can’t begin to tell you the sheer joy that this band gives me, but it was written all over my face. 

Seeing them setting up, and Scott setting up all their fiddly bits like glow sticks and a confetti cannon and stuff. I was transported back to that Darren Hayes tour when that cannon just would not pop. Was it Glasgow? Hilarious. Anyhoo...

Tonight was a celebration of 10 years of the candle thieves. I was a little late to the party. It was July 2010 when I ordered sunshine and other misfortunes from HMV.com. The rest is history. 

Setlist: 

(1.) Before the war

The first thing I noticed was Scott’s confidence. It was wonderful to see. I’ve really missed this band. They are looking great and sounding great. 

(2.) Moths

OMG! This was one of the best moments. Balloons was an album that was a game changer for me, and this song I’ve never heard live before (because they’ve never played it live until last night). Scott quipped he co-wrote it with Kate moth. LOL.

(3.) Sunshine song

This song. Has it really been almost 9 years I’ve been listening to it? I still love it. I can’t wipe that smile off my face. 

“Y’know we can't stay young forever but we can stay young for the rest of our days” and that lyric always stuck with me and it’s so much fun live. And words to live by. 

(4.) Sugarcandy mountain 

This was a welcome curveball tonight. I was not expecting that. Not sure I’ve ever heard this one live? Maybe. Maybe at the All’s Well That End’s Well farewell show? (Chorlton Arts festival at Wilbraham St Ninian’s Church, 2013). It sounded so good. I’ve loved this song since the Weatherman EP. 

(5.) We’re All Gonna die (Have Fun). 

Scott:” This song is for anyone struggling”. And then BAM! OMG! The most amazing stripped back version of this song I’ve ever heard. This song will always be special to me. It came into my life at a time I really needed it. And that tiny of bit of Try again mixed in (one of my ultimate faves). Wow. Scott’s voice. Damn. 

(6.) The Little Engine That Could. 

This is one of my ultimate favourites. My fifth most played candle thieves song (the others are: Not The Only One, Try Again, I’m Gone, This House is For Sale, in that order, most played first). This was completely acoustic, unplugged. The band in the middle of the room, you could have heard a pin dropped as Scott sang us a velvet lullaby backed by his playing of the ukulele, and Glock’s glockenspiel. It was special. 

(7.) Into forever

I’ve got a new love for this song tonight. 

The details EP is something I play quite a lot. I loved this live version tonight. Sang my little heart out (well I did for the entire gig but y’know). “You can’t buy a heart of gold”. 

(8.) We won’t ever be rich

Man this song. I still love it. It’s still fun. It still reminds me of good times with my friends on Darren Hayes Tour. And it still reminds me of that pledge music Album launch gig for balloons. I was broke and was staying a Travelodge down the road from the venue, The Betsey Trotwood, a Victorian pub in London with a cellar room for gigs, but I was so so happy that night. 

Tonight was so good. I’ve missed this band. It’s been 431 days since I last seen them to be precise. 

I can’t wait for tomorrow. London Town. Old St Pancras church. I venue I’ve never been too and missed many of my favourites play. I. Can. Not. Wait. 

Depression Through My Eyes.

I want to inspire people.
I want them to understand.

I took a picture last week of my horribly depressed ugly crying face at 4am because I wanted to record the moment as one where I can look back and say I SURVIVED this day.

This picture was just 7 days before:

I've been built up and knocked back down again lately but one thing is certain, I won't let this beat me. Then I extended my arms out to 2 of my friends that were really suffering, despite how much I myself was hurting. Because God knows, I get it. And it's a vile demon.

On the bad days I draw on everything I knew as my strength, Darren Hayes music. On the good days, hell I still listen to his incredible voice. It makes me smile.

I want to talk about "high functioning depression". To the outside world I don't 'look' depressed. People have said to me that I they always thought I was happy. They had no clue I suffered... The older I get the more vocal I get. I used to be ashamed and refuse to let anyone close to me so they wouldn't know the real me. 

This is my story.

I remember the day the word depression was first used by my high school health official speaker type person that came in and gave us the sex ed talk and then this quiz to see if you were depressed. And I flagged many markers on that scale, yet not one person, a teacher, that speaker woman, picked up on it. I was about 14. I was terrified. I remember the exact place I was sat in that drama class room. And apart from the fact I was a loner that was always bullied, I was high functioning. I won awards for attendance and excellence, I shared the trophy with a class mate for best pupil of the year.. I played tin whistle grade 3, flute grade 5, was in the choir and the hockey team... And I got 4 A's, 4 B's and C at GCSE. What drove me was a desire to prove everyone else wrong. All those bullies that said I would never amount to shit. The demon in my head that agreed with them.. I threw myself into studying as it was all I knew how to be good at. It wasn't until I was 18 and came to uni that I realised that depression was what I suffered from. I thought I was just down and homesick.... And today I still wear the scars of my entire teenage and adult life fighting depression. 

I'm still high functioning.. Always working hard at my job, always away on trips or gigs, always socialising, but hardly anyone understands how hard that is, that anxiety. It terrifies me to get on a train somewhere I haven't been, but my desire to escape and feel euphoria at a gig is stronger that my anxiety to not go. My heart still beats out my chest when I walk into a bar alone to meet friends. Friends I've known years. I struggle to meet people and talk to people I don't know.

My depression still has bad days when it cripples me. But I know the demon now, and I know how to look after me better. How to be a little kinder to Hayley. I just want people to understand that mental illness isn't the person rocking in the corner, or crying all the time, or looking 'sad'. It's so much more than that but I can put up a good fight against the beast.  

I thank my lucky stars for the people in my life who show me compassion, kindness and understanding. Those who lend me an ear to listen, and who spend their time making sure I'm ok. You are worth your weight in gold and I'm forever grateful.

The Script - Thetford Forest - 2 July 2015

I can't really find the words to describe just how perfect The Script was in Thetford Forest last night. One of the best gigs I've ever seen the band do, and a connection almost second to none (Aberdeen 2013, still up there).

Brandon and Thetford forest are beautiful and peaceful, and music brings me back to what life is all about. It's nice being in the middle of nowhere, but there are too many bugs and it would be better if there was a little 3G or at least WIFI that wasn't a snatched moment in the Hotel bar. Gah.







The queue was bullshit but it was nice to hear the sound check through the fence. I appreciate the lady trying wristband us in number order but some fans the stewards didn't care about respecting who was first in line. I thought we were The Script FAMILY. One steward did make me laugh though. "Don't run because if you fall I ain't helping you up" "that's fine" and I carried on running LOL. Our plan worked well. I was the legs, Anna was the eyes, and Kelly caught us up. Running flat out in nearly 25°C heat was not fun though, I didn't feel well for a while. But we got right where we wanted, in front of my love, Mark.













I ADORED Colton Avery's set. Colton asked 'don't you guys have air-con and someone shouted we didn't need it and he said 'maybe just on the off chance the one day of the year you do?. he's getting it over in the UK LOL. He's mega talented. I ADORE 'The One'. "We're just people, trying to find our equal, hoping someday we will, we will find the one". And as I sang my heart out, Colton spotted me and smiled. That meant the world. Two people, fan and artist, bringing it back to what it's all about, a connection to the music. I LOVE 'rewind'. It's another relate song. I need this album like yesterday. I walked away last night singing weatherman. I love it so much. It's a move your feet and sing-a-long song, but it has meaning.







 



Then it was The Script time. Thanks to whomever handed the green balloons out for 'Paint the Town Green'. That was a lot of fun. Even if Anna did try and kill us (and the stewards) when hers went pop haha.




'Hail Rain or Sunshine' was fun and I'm sure Danny saw us dancing, going for it. Mark came over to the front of the stage and mouthed Hello. All I could think to do was wave like an excited child waving goodbye to their parents whilst off on a school trip. UGH. LOL.







I will FOREVER adore 'Breakeven'. One of my favourite ever songs. Danny's voice sounded so very beautiful in the forest last night.



Danny joked: "I've been praying for no rain, but then there was a fucking heatwave, so I stopped praying" giggles. Love him.

'Before the Worst' was great. I was having fun, enjoy it, singing... And then I died of shame. Because I had no pockets in my dress I was the classy bird who stuffed my phone in my bra, at the exact moment Mark looked my way. *dies*

Superheroes was a moment. Connecting to Danny and Mark like that. It's a powerful song that means a lot. I adore Danny's strength and Mark's wisdom.

The 'twitpic' is always a great moment. Glen took the Glen cut out some girls on the front row had on a stick and held it up and joked "if you ever wanted an ego boost"... Danny joked "they sell them near the hotdog stand, they come in vanilla or chocolate, near the toilets.." Then Glen joked it was for the toilet as a toilet stick, and Mark just laughed and said 'OH MY GOD, we're meant to be working'. That's what I love about these 3 guys, they love what they do so much it isn't work to them and their passion and personality shines through.

'We Cry' was fun. The sing off war is alway good fun. I always love Danny's sweary language trying to rile the both sides up.

'If You Could See Me Now' was emotional. It's not often you get close enough in the right spot to really make a connection with Danny, but last night, during that song, Danny and I for a brief second held a connection and it meant the world.





'Man on a Wire'. God I love this song Sooooo much. It's all about the Mark and his speech.
"Our view is definitely better than your view, I know you have to look at us fucking ugly bastards.. It's crazy because life is like a tightrope, you can fall off, the wind can blow you anyway it wants, it can take you down, but you know everyday you gotta take one step in front of the other, every single day".  Danny got the lyrics wrong and Mark covered it over for him. I love the bond the lads have.

'Good Ol' Days'. Aww I love this song. I was going mental, jumping up and down from the very beginning, and Danny came over and just looked at me and smiled. I'm glad when Danny jumped down to make people sing he didn't come our length to make us sing though Lol.

'The Man Who Can't Be Moved'. Danny thanked us for coming out and supporting the forest and supporting them for the past 8 years. It's always so very beautiful and humbling to see the guys play this song.

'You Won't Feel a Thing'. I literally couldn't believe it when Danny asked the middle of the crowd 'to part the seas' and he walked from the barrier to the other end of the crowd. 9,750 people all with respect for the man. Amazing.





'Six Degrees of Separation'. I love this song. I love my little connection with Mark I've had since the very first time I saw the guys perform this song at the Shepherd's Bush Empire in September 2012. "No no there ain't no help, it's every man for himself". Danny got the lyrics wrong and we giggled and Mark saw us and just shock his head as if to say I give up on him and just laughed with us. Love it.



'It's Not Right for You' was great. It was nice to have enough space to actually get your arms above your head and clap along. It's got a powerful message. I loved how the crowd kept the singing going until the lads were almost back on stage for the encore.

'The Energy Never Dies' is great. Mark stood on a speaker at the front of the stage because their full stage wouldn't fit. I loved seeing Mark so into it.







'For the First Time'. Aww this song means a lot to me. I remember when I bought the science and faith album and this song stood out and I would run around the house singing it and drive my sister crazy. Now kelly, Anna and I, stand, arms around each other and sing and dance for our lives.
"Oh these times are hard,
Yeah, they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby".

I love you girls, this life is hard sometimes but to know you girls always have my back means more than I could express.

'No Good in Goodbye' looked incredible in the forest. When there was nothing like an arena's walls limiting the range of the lasers they looked beautiful across the crowd. So stunning and humbling. And Danny lost his words again LOL. So funny.























Danny's speech before 'Hall of Fame' was amazing. Reasons I adore this man X 1000.
".. Different colours, different religions, different nationalities, different sexes, there is only one thing that can bring these people together, so many like-minded people together, you know inside we are all 100% the same, and that's music, music is here for everybody and music is the one true religion, it's there for you in your darkest hours and it's there when you need the power, music for me means moments, I wanna create a moment right now, one that we will remember for the rest of our lives"
And that you certainly did Danny. This song is just amazing. So powerful. Such a real belter. Sing for your life. Own it. And don't forget about the confetti cannon. Danny ran down the barrier and back. I've managed a few times to run my fingers past his as he run by, but last night he grabbed hold of my hand. Just for a split second his hand fit inside mine. And it just seemed like a great end to a great show. Symbolic of what Danny and the band mean to me. That connection. That bond. That strength.

















Mark came to the edge of the stage and was throwing plectrums. I wondered earlier why the plectrums he was throwing our way kept taking a curve ball and then I realised it was the fan at his feet. I managed to get 2 from the stewards off the ground in front of the barrier and coupled with the one Mark threw that I felt hit my foot, all 3 of us girlies got Irish flag plectrums. Finally. It was bittersweet.

 


My 30th script gig. The moon shone so brightly above the stage and we walked away last night and I ate my cheesy chip. So happy. So content. This band and these girls are my world. Don't ever for a second discount the power of true friendship and music. I love you girlies. I love you The Script.