Back in 2003 when I‘d had ‘Spin’ and the Savage Garden albums a while (since autumn 2002) and got really into the music, I’d sit in my room in Ireland and write letters to D. Well I wrote two. I think in my head they were gonna be sent to the fan club in Australia, in reality, they are still in my room. More than a decade later, I guess there wasn’t much written in those letters on that red paper that remains unsaid anyway.
When I joined the fan club I did so just as ‘The Tension and
The Spark’ listening parties were happening. It was April 2004 and I wanted to know where the gossip
on the new album was at, and it was at the fan club. I had dial up internet on
a really old windows 98 PC. I couldn’t even see the website as it was using
flash. It would just load a grey page. Underneath the grey page, the links
still worked if you knew where to click. I remember really enjoying this new
world of blogs and pictures and the forum.
I remember that envelope arriving from Aus with Dzine 6
inside. One thing that stuck with me from the beginning was Tracey’s kindness.
I would email her asking how to make flash work to see the website properly
(she was so helpful, but truth be told the PC was just too old). One day I had
a look in the fan club shop. I was gutted that not all of the first five Dzines
were in the shop to buy as back issues. Tracey added them to the site for me so
I could buy them. I knew then that this fan club run by D’s family really cared
about us. I ordered a few things from the shop; it would always excite me when
they arrived. I ordered that massive Too
Close For Comfort poster, the customs declaration was signed by Darren’s mum,
Judy. It touched me that this really was a family run Fanclub.
I guess as a teen, I did idolise Darren. I had this idea in
my head of what a popstar was. Of whom Darren was. An illusion, a person you thing you know, but don’t.
A person where you don’t get to see all sides to the story, you know, an ideology.
An image conjured up in your head, a superhero character, that couldn’t
possibly exist. Because, ultimately this popstar you worship, is in fact,
human. Just like you and me. That old
saying, ‘Never meet your heroes’. But so many people on the forums had met
Darren and sworn how lovely and normal and kind he was. That was my ultimate goal,
to meet this man. Sitting in my bedroom in Ireland, I knew one day it would
happen. That I just had to wish to the universe and wait.
The fan club forums really were a haven for me. I’d gone to
uni, in the grips of homesickness and depression (unbeknownst to me then). I reached
out at the forums for people who could just understand me, help me cope, make
me feel less alone. I never thought I would find this amazing community; it
really was this place where I could come and not feel alone. Not feel judged.
Finally I felt like I belonged somewhere. People understood me, and me them. Some
of my best friends I met through D. The fan club felt like home.
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined where
joining this fan club would take me. I begged for the membership for my 18th
birthday present from my parents, I remember my mum telling me I wouldn’t even
be there in a year’s time. Well, I’m still here a decade later ;). My very
first Darren Hayes show was a fan club VIP to dark light. I didn’t really
understand then, that the access we got to the soundcheck and pre-show party wasn’t
something every artist did. I remember the official Chat room chats, enter a
question and hope yours gets sent to D to answer. I remember my first official
chat, it was just as so beautiful was released. I asked the dumbest question
but I sat shaking as D replied. Then I discovered sometimes you could actually
speak to D in the chat room. Unannounced. That blew my mind a little bit. I didn’t
know what to say, even now, the other week, I didn’t know what to say. I kinda
think there is nothing I want to say to D that hasn’t already been said. And I have
a hard time interacting so personally with someone I adore. Or maybe that’s
just me, socially awkward anyway. I certainly didn’t think the fan club would
ever give me the chance to attend the Time Machine Tour DVD screening and speak
to D properly, or attending a Secret’s out tour meet and greet as one of my
dearest friend’s +1.
I still struggle with the relationship between artist and
fan. I’ve always held D at arms length, almost as an idol. I wish I could be
more friendly with him and less like I’m about to die. A friend once said to
me, (to paraphrase) “you don’t get the chance to be this close to a pop star. You
can hold any pop star at arm’s length, but the relationship D builds with fans
is something you should grab with both hands”. She was right, but I think the
way I interact with D, will always stay the same. I will always not know what to
say, always stand shaking and always walk away feeling like a cross between the
happiest person alive and the dumbest idiot. We let D give everything he has to
us, yet I’m not so willing to let my guard down in return. The more I speak to
D, the more I worry about what he thinks of me as a person. Yet I know I shouldn’t
think like that, I do. I’m so so very blessed to have had all I’ve had with D.
It blows my mind that this teen from Ireland got her dream to meet D, on more
than one occasion, and that he just happens to know who I am.
We get so much more than other pop stars offer you. What other
pop star would reply to you on the fan club forum, look you up on myspace and
tell you ‘it was lovely to put a face to the name’ after a fangirling ‘OMG I
MET DARREN’ fanclub post? What popstar would let you privately message them on
myspace, not only read it, but respond? In that message were some of the
darkest moments of my life, told honestly. Because D was so honest with us, I felt
like I owed him the same honesty in return for why I was a fan. His reply, sits
in my bedside cabinet, even 5 years later. I’m so grateful for the love and
support D has shown me, even now, even last month.
The way I interact with other fans and Darren has changed. I
spent more time interacting with D on twitter, and other fans on facebook. I
love this fan club, it’s given me so much joy. The blogs, the ramblings, the
diary entries… the interaction with D in topics across the fan club. I remember
so vividly a conversation with D about a song called ‘H’. And the night D wrote
the space monkey poem at 3am.
It really been a blast, and I’m sorry to say goodbye and
wish we didn’t have to. But it’s not the end, there is still other ways to
interact with D and other fans.
In the past ten years I’ve done a lot of soul searching, I wear
my heart on my sleeve and some of it was vented through the fan club forums. I’m
certainly not the same person now that I was then. Thank God. D’s music
continues to make me happy and take me to a place where things don’t suck as
much. I just wish I had D’s bravery and courage.
The fan club really does feel like a family, Thank you D for
giving us so much of yourself.
I’m super excited for the one man show next year (THIS
YEAR!!).
Here’s to the next part of the story.
Much Love,
Hails.
xx
