Friday, 12 June 2015


I feel compelled to write this blog.

I'm currently on a Boeing 737-800 cruising at 35,000 feet somewhere over the Irish sea towards Dublin. I don't think I have sat in the front of a plane since the day I left Ireland 10 and 1/2 years ago. 

On my iPod I have a playlist of 7 'new' songs off the Savage garden re-releases. I'm looking out in wonder at the clouds and blue sky, and I can see the wing and the engine of the plane which is essentially my life support right now. How amazing is that we place our lives in the hands of engineering? Not just planes but every single day in cars, buses.. 

As the plane taxied to take off, I looked out at the lights that lit the runway and I smiled. A knowing smile. I've always loved aviation and my Ireland. I've always loved flying. 

And I've always loved Savage Garden and Darren Hayes. Over the last few years as Darren has grown as a person and pursued other aspects of his life away from his music, truth is, so have I. I've followed other bands, travelled the UK, chased boys, chased love, and worked on a better me. I've chased a happiness and confidence that eluded me for so long. I've currently lost 21.6 kg, 47.6lbs, 3.5 stone whichever way you wanna put it. I'm much happier, content and confident now. I faced my depression and anxiety and I'm slowly winning. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I've worked on the walls surrounding me and started to bring them down. I've still got a long way to go but Darren teaches me every single day that if he won, I can too. 

There are sometimes I still falter. These past few weeks have been rocky. And then yesterday something amazing happened. Savage Garden re-released their two studio albums and a new singles collection in Australia. I managed to recover my old dodgy Aussie iTunes account last night and use my last $16 to download 'she' and my six favourite live tracks because I'm too impatient to wait for my CDs from Australia. 

The 'new' 1994 demo of a song called 'She' is so heartfelt and beautiful. It very much felt like I was listening to D singing for his life. The vocal FLOORED me. D won me over with a gorgeous ballad, just like he first did 17 years ago with 'Truly Madly Deeply'. 

And that brings me back to why I'm writing this blog. On the bus to the airport I listened to 'Crash and Burn' (live from London radio) for the first time. We drove past a poppy field and I was reminded that even in times of strife you can still see beauty if you look for it. Darren's ability to pour his pain into a song as passion and emotion is one of the reasons I ever became a fan. That BEAUTIFUL live version full of pain, passion and conviction and the little lyric changes was just what I needed. I listened to it again. And again. And then again at 35,000 feet. And I closed my eyes so I did have tears rolling down my face. Happy tears. Because I could feel Darren's pain when he sang that song 15 years ago, and he made it, he survived, and so did I. 

I listened to that live version of crash and burn and I wondered how many people listening to the radio that day in London when it was first broadcast felt as inspired as I did just now. How many lives D saved with his honesty that day.

"You feel like your caught, you're caught in a one way street, with the monsters that are always in your head.. And you feel like, you feel like me, like I can't face another day.. You'll always breathe again, there's always another day, you wake up and you'll breathe, and you'll breathe again.. Give me a moment please, for I will tame it, I'll tame your wild wild heart"

I love you D. You are such a beautiful human being. You will always be my number 1 because we will always be two people who have more in common that our taste in music. You have the ability to connect directly to my soul and save me from myself. And I'm forever grateful for you and that song. 15 years ago and today. It saved me then, and it's bittersweet now. Time elapsed means nothing to the right song.

And like that day 10 and a 1/2 years ago, when I landed in Nottingham for the first time and I walked into my local pub and Savage Garden was playing ('Hold Me' if I remember correctly), I know now, what I knew then. It's going to be alright. Because I'm a fighter. A survivor.

THANK YOU will never ever be enough. I love you D.