My End of Year List of Amazing Things 2023

1. ALBUM THAT SURPASSED ALL OTHERS

Lewis Capaldi - broken by desire to be heavenly sent. I love it. It got me though some rough times. Such a solid album. 

2. ALBUM THAT MADE ME SMILE

Ed Sheeran - ‘-‘ (subtract).  A great honest album.  4 songs I have on repeat. Eyes closed, dusty, no strings, and spark. “If we make it through this year, we should celebrate it”  

3. MAN I'D LIKE TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH

It’s still gotta be Scott McEwan from The Candle Thieves. I say it every year. 

4. THING YOU'RE MOST SICK OF

Rudeness. And Idiots. And rude idiots. 

5. THING I MOST DESIRED BUT DIDN'T GET

A holiday. 

6. ALBUM THAT MOST STIRRED MY SOUL

Snow Patrol - Final Straw (20th anniversary). I guess it’s cheating as it’s from 20 years ago, but it’s connected to my soul. 17 year old me didn’t appreciate it fully at the time, But Gary Lightbody’s voice became an anthem of “home” to me. Every time I landed in N.  Ireland I would hit play on the airport bus. And I’ll never forget Gary being a beacon of hope every Thursday in lockdown. One of the most humble people I’ve ever had the pleasure or meeting. 

7. MOST STYLISH MAN

 

Lewis Hamilton. Not a massive fan of all his looks but love seeing his outfits every race weekend. The best being the 90’s Brazil football team tracksuit in honor of his love of Brazil and Aryton Senna.  

8. FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEO .

Ed Sheeran - Celestial. I know it’s from 2022 but I only watched it this year. It’s Ed and Pokemon. Two of my favourite loves, and such a heartfelt video. 

9. FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOW

Teen Mom: The Next Chapter. I know it’s car crash drama but I love it. 

10. FAVOURITE CHARACTER SINCE E.T.

Ember and wade from Elemental. I can’t pick just one. They go together like they are meant to be. Such an amazing heartfelt poignant movie. 

11. COOLEST ROCK STAR

Matt Healy, for having a merch tee that says “LOL ur not Matt Healy” and for Malaysia. Go Matty. 

“I don’t see the fucking point… of inviting the 1975 to a country and then telling us who we can have sex with… the outrage against our band for remaining consistent with our pro-LGBTQ stage show which was the most puzzling thing”

12. BEST PROTEST SIGN

“Hate is a DRAG”.  Protests in America about states trying to ban drag artists. 

13. THE THING THE HUMAN RACE WILL BE ASHAMED OF IN 30 YEARS

I’m gonna go with the cost of living crisis. People hungry, cold and homeless in the UK, when it’s the 5th richest country in the world. The Government should be ashamed of themselves. No one in a “wealthy” country should be needing help to heat their homes, needing food banks or having to choose between feeding themselves or their kids, or choosing between food or heating. Pay a living wage. 

14. COOLEST STYLE AND DESIGN ICON

Emily Coxhead. Again. I still love her. She shares both sides of instragram and reality. Keeps it real and gives messages of hope. 

15. BEST GIG of 2023.

Darren Hayes - Birmingham Symphony Hall. D was electric that night and I was so happy. I was on cloud 9 all day and night. Happiness is gigs with my girlies. 

16. FAVOURITE PICTURE YOU TOOK THIS YEAR.

So many moments. The cats. Ireland. Halloween and Christmas in Nottingham. Concert photos. But I’m gonna go with a special moment. A double rainbow right outside our house. 

17. FAVOURITE SINGLE OF 2023.

Scouting for girls - Glow.

I love it. Such a fun, heartfelt song. From a great album ‘The Place we used to meet’.

“And I knew on the night I met ya

When we kissed I could taste forever

But how was I supposed to know

You'd light my world up and make it glow?

You make it glow”

19. BEST NEW ARTIST OF 2023

Richard Walters that supported Darren Hayes on tour. ‘After midnight’ struck such a chord with me. And happy memories of tour. 

20. FAVOURITE FILM OF 2023.

Elemental. An amazing funny, colourful and thought provoking film about how Fire and Water fall in love but ‘cannot’ be together. It’s amazing. 

21. FAVOURITE INDIE ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Still Gotta be ‘The Candle Thieves’. They connect directly to my soul. 

I think Glock himself said it best “We very often write lyrics that sit on the bright side of negative”. It’s been a joy to see them headline Stamford and support Darren Hayes this year.  Perfection. 

22. THING(S) YOU ACCOMPLISHED THIS YEAR.

*asking for help with medication for my crippling anxiety and depression

*recovering from my mental breakdown 

*the most amazing counsellor that helped me finally understand me and be kinder to Hayley. 

*seeing Darren Hayes tour again!! Forever a pinch me moment.

23. A LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR.

That it’s ok to rest. You only have a finite amount of energy in the bank. If you take from it, then you have to replenish it. 

24. TOP 10 MOST PLAYED SONGS  IN 2023

1. Ed Sheeran - eyes closed

2. Lewis Capaldi - how I’m feeling now 

3. Lewis Capaldi - burning

4. Lewis Capaldi- Wish you the best 

5. Lewis Capaldi - Any kind of life

6. Ed sheeran - No strings

7. Savage garden - crash and burn

8. The 1975 - When we are together 

9. Lewis Capaldi- The pretender

10. Ed Sheeran - Spark

25. MOST EXCITING DISCOVERY THIS YEAR

That our kitty minion was ok after his health scares. I love that little kitty with all my heart. He’s my best mate. He’s my comfort and my source of laughter. (And a source of stress but he can’t be good all the time).

26. FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2023.

Seeing Lewis Capaldi live.

Darren Hayes tour!!

Castle archdale with my bestie in Ireland. 

Our 1st wedding anniversary. 

My little sis’ successful surgery. 

All the minion cuddles.

Eva finally accepting me and allowing cuddles.

Halloween monsters trail.

Christmas market. 

Also: Gigs, Sunsets, photography, gaming, time with friends and my hubby. 

27. THING(S) YOU ARE MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2024

Ireland in Feb.

Bill Bailey with my hubby. 

The feeling gigs (x 2).

The killers in London with my partner-in-crime kelly.

Our friends wedding. 

Our 2nd wedding anniversary. 

Scouting for girls in Lincoln. 

Darren Hayes memoir.

saying yes to ADVENTURES!

Here’s to 2024! 

Do more of what makes your soul happy. Be ruthless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.

RIP Mark Sheehan

I’ve been thinking so much about the passing of Mark (Guitarist with The Script) these last few days. And I knew I wanted to blog all my feelings. 

When I first seen the preview of the announcement on my instagram notifications, with just his face in the photo, I thought it was just gonna say he’s left the band. He’s been gone a while but I was not prepared to never see him, never hear him, never laugh with him, (and at him..) or cry with him in joy and sadness, ever again.

It doesn’t seem real. I cried so hard. People might think that’s silly for someone I didn’t know personally but to me, Mark was so much. An inspiration. A light in my dark. 

I cried myself to sleep the day he passed. I couldn’t stop thinking of his poor wife, laying alone without him, whilst reminding myself how lucky I am. Life is so fucking unfair. How can 3 kids just be robbed of their dad, a fucking amazing man, Like that? 

I’ve see this band 44 times. They remain my most watched live band. From a few hundred at O’Shea’s Irish bar in Manchester, to 80,000 at Croke park in Dublin. This band are my everything. 

Mark and I had so many memories. More than i can probably remember. 

My love of this band started with the man who can’t be moved, I stayed around because of science and faith, and then kelly convinced me to come to London to see them do an album launch show for the 3rd record. Kelly had sent sent me a couple of sneaky new songs we shouldn’t have had yet. One was six degrees of separation. I sat crying in the middle of kings cross station waiting for kelly, listening to them songs for the first time.

We went to the gig, Barrier right in front of mark. He starts his bit in six degrees, where he calls out “No, no, there ain't no help, it's every man for himself” and in instinct I call back. It was a real moment between artist and fan, him and me. (And then they cussed us all out for knowing the words before the songs were released 😂).

That part of Mark‘s in six degrees became a thing between mark and I whenever I was barrier in front of him, he and I would have a moment. (I and many other fans at many other shows and the same shows, I know I’m not special but those moments where)

After that album launch show, that band and mark gained a special place in my heart. 

I remember Bridlington and after the show my friend Anna said "did you see mark looking over the speaker for you?". I was of course mark’s side but so far behind a speaker he couldn’t see me, and I could barely see him…  then we met them after the show. Some girl had left her heels in the middle of the group of us and ran over to him. I of course tripped over them and mark wanted to know what happened 😂. I can’t even remember what I told him, probably just that I tripped over someone’s shoes and he laughed. He was rather drunk and I was rather speechless. And I remember hating how I looked in that photo but now I just treasure it. 

But that isn’t my favourite time I met Mark. My favourite time was the second time time. Cardiff 19.03.2013. That show was something else. Then mark almost got lynched for saying they had their first lock-in in England last night.. but they were in wales 😂. We waited ages after the show at the gate. By the time the they had come out to say hello, we only had a couple of hours before a national express coach hell via London to get the next show in Brighton. But it was so worth it. Mark was so beautiful to us all. He literally skipped over to the gate, stank of whiskey, it I wouldn’t have had it any other way. he worked hard, gave us everything and more, and played hard.

I remember when they first joined periscope. Mark had got a multipack of cheese and onion tayto crisps, lifted his shirt up and held it up against his chest, Asking us if we liked his 6 pack.. I laughed so hard. That was typical mark. 

There was the first time I met mark.  29.09.2012.

Lord know how I won tickets to see them at bbc radio 2, that remains my best win ever, it was such a special show and meeting them for the first time afterwards was so surreal.

The there was the HMV signing 08.11.2019. The last time I was to get to speak to mark. I had a tooth abscess from hell, I was in pain before I got on the train to Manchester that morning but I took some painkillers and carried on. But boy, after I left HMV and the buzz had worn off, I was in agony. It was a Friday night. I ended up calling 111 and a paramedic called me back and told me about an amazing drug that basically left me conked out until the dentist on Monday. I would still skip trying to get sorted sooner for the script any day. 

There was a many other moments too.

Then there was Swindon oasis - 25.08.17. The most random venue in a sports hall, with the best jacket spud ever for lunch in the queue. I didn’t want to wait after that show. My feet hurt like hell, and I was exhausted. I was a grumpy nightmare, Kelly persuaded me to stay. And it was then that we got meet and greet style photos with the band. All 3 of them made such an effort to give us everything we wanted and more. I remember their bodyguard Sean telling me to ‘get in there’ with Danny and Glen, but I wasn’t about to move because Mark was closest but still talking kelly, and I was all about Mark. 

Birmingham NEC arena 15.02.18. 

We decided to try and wait at the stage door that night. Anna had brought a bought of

Champagne to the queue to celebrate my engagement. I’d probably drank half of it when the band came out 😂. It was freezing but they were so adorable and gave us all the time they needed to take photos ❤️.

Birmingham NEC Arena - 26.2.15.  One of my favourite times meeting them. I got compliments on my Hoodie and scarf (that was their merch lol). Their bodyguard Sean let us in the corridor at the stage door and lined us all up to get our turn. He told us we all had to turn round and face the wall, we all done it, no questions asked, and when we all turned back around he was pissing himself laughing.  But seriously, What other band would even do that? 

One of my favourite things to do was to try and get all the arty photos. Especially that tour. As I looked through Facebook for the photo of mark and  I, one caught my attention. If you could see me now, and the word ‘gone’ behind mark. 😭. It’s so unfair.

I can’t believe I’ll never get to link arms  with my girls during Mark’s part in ‘For The First Time’ where he repeats over “oh these time are hard” and we sing back through the tears back at him, Yeah, they're making us crazy / Don't give up on me, baby”. It will never be the same without you Mark. But I will keep doing this at any future shows in your memory. 

Over the years it became ‘my thing’ to record Mark’s speeches before certain songs. He was such an inspiration and one day I will dig out all those videos and remember all the feels. I used to feel elated, happy, emotional, inspired, entertained…Mark was all those things to me.  I’ve just read his speeches I had typed out or paraphrased in my iPhone notes.  I laughed and I cried. I really missed his speeches on the tour last year and I noticed straight away he was letting Danny do the talking. But to never get to see Mark again doesn’t seem real and doesn’t make sense. 

These are some of my faves:

"Our view is definitely better than your view, I know you have to look at us fucking ugly bastards.. It's crazy because life is like a tightrope, you can fall off, the wind can blow you anyway it wants, it can take you down, but you know everyday you gotta take one step in front of the other, every single day".  'Man on a Wire’ - Thetford Forest - 11.7.2013

"I'm absolutely terrified of heights and the lads are always doing fucking evil shit to me.  They put on the documentary Man on a wire, about a guy who put a rope between the twin towers and walked across it, (he had a pole but that's not the point), and I thought about why he do that and it has to be girl, so we wrote this song” - Man on a Wire - iTunes festival 15.09.2014

“Music is the umbrella we can all hide under.." - Man on a Wire - Croke Park - 20.06.2015

“Belfast! Are you guys good? It sounds like we are back amongst friends... This song is a little bit like life, life is just like a tightrope, when you are walking across that tightrope you never know if you are gonna fucking fall off or you are gonna hang on"  - 'Man on a Wire’ - Tennents vital - 30.08.15

“…Need somebody to listen to ya, and not listen with the intent to reply all the time, you just need somebody to listen, right? that is what this song is for us. This song is called arms open” - Birmingham o2 academy - 24.08.17

“We wrote this song because the world feels like a fucked up place”.  - ‘Arms Open’ - Birmingham NEC arena 15.02.18

I never really knew about Mark until that #3 album launch show, and our moment. He gained a special place in my heart that day. And his speeches are legendary. And his raps. 

And I still think #3 remains their best album, especially for Mark’s vocals and rapping. I heard a story the label didn’t like it, but I think it’s genius. I loved how they stood up for what he believed in. ‘Give the love around’ is one of my favourite songs. It’s such a message. So powerful. 

I’ll leave you with the greatest rap of Mark’s:

“See the thing about Karma is she loves a bit of drama, yeah

Loves to hunt you down and pay ya back for the things you did

Before you turn a positive to a negative

Better pray before you know exactly who the fuck you're dealing with

This is not a dress rehearsal, let me tell you kid

Whatever you put out there is coming back again

Years may burn (ohh)

Tables gonna turn

Karma's coming back around

Either way you're gonna learn

To give love to your neighbor, love to yourself

It don't matter bout your status

Man your health is your wealth

We can all point a finger but there's four pointing back at yourself

I'll be the bigger man now

Give a little help”

Rest in peace Mark. Party hard with the angels. Hug your mum and dad again, you were too young when you lost them. Make everyone laugh up there and your legacy will always be that you inspired people, including me to do better and be better.

As you would always sign off with, Big Love.

It will hit you like a bowling ball…

(Trigger warning: mental health)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how everything seems so unbearably hard right now, or as Gary Lightbody sang with Snow Patrol:

“It shouldn't need to be so fucking hard  / This is life on earth / It's just life on earth”. 

I’ve always struggled with depression, and it was only when I met my husband that my anxiety got worse. I always had social anxiety but this was some next level shite. And that’s not his fault, that’s a byproduct of being happier. If depression is a fear of the past, anxiety is very much a fear of the future. I was 30 years old and for the longest time I didn’t think about a future. I didn’t think I had one. Or at least not one worthwhile. 

I spent the last quarter of 2021 and most of 2022 in therapy. With little effect if I’m honest. It was a great little ramble every week, you know I can talk for Ireland, but not really all that helpful.  For the longest time, my friends and music have been my therapy. They still are more effective than “sally sue”  every Monday, ever was, or probably ever will be. 

I remember spending one particularly hard night in June 2015 talking to Darren Hayes in my Twitter DMs. Boy did he give me some home truths, but he was right. He basically said I’m a bad ass bitch and he thought my story was one of rejection. 

I seen a quote yesterday on Facebook, it said over explaining yourself is a trauma response to abandonment. I definitely feel like that doesn’t help, and I push people away.  I definitely rely on self comfort, more than I probably should. I comfort myself because for the longest thing, I felt like I was all I had. 

I remember Darren telling me about this song he wrote called ‘H’ for his 2011 album. He said some people, especially me, will understand when we listen to that song.  It was called Hurt. Ironically I was a bit hurt when I first heard it. It’s a song about how hurt people, hurt people. And he was right.  

I woke up this morning determined today was gonna be a better day. I found this quote I had saved from February. It said “if you want to be happy, you have to be happy on purpose. when you wake up you can’t just wait to see what kind of day you’ll have. You have to decide what kind of day you will have”. 

And today was a much better day. I laughed a lot more than I have in days. Yesterday I thought the sound of my own laughter was the furthest thing so far out of my reach. And those that know me, know I don’t stop laughing normally. My favourite thing is laughing at my own jokes, so you don’t have to. 

And this morning on my commute, I went back to the same song by Savage Garden called ‘I don’t care’ I always go back to.  

“People tell me that I feel too much

But I don't care, no I don't care”.

One of the reasons I never took meds for my mental health was because I didn’t want to feel numbed or muted. I want to feel the highest highs, but the trade off is the lowest lows. And as much as the sad is REALLY shit, I want to feel elation, I want to feel joy. I want to feel all the feels. I want to feel that buzz over a concert, or my favourite food, sunset, or that photo I took… or just a random moment with the love of my life. I want to soak it all in.  There are nights even now, 7.5 years later, when I’m laying on my husband’s chest at the end of the day..and I suddenly feel so at peace with the world, so content, I cry with happiness. 

February was a good month.  I was happier than ever. More level. More content. I thought I was finally working it all out. But in the back of my mind, I was waiting for the trap door of depression to fling its way open and gobble me up again. That’s the repeating cycle. I crash, I get more level, and I crash again. It’s been a while, old friend. But these past couple of weeks have been so hard, But you can sod off back to where you came from. 

Or in the words of my favourite band The Candle Thieves:

“I wanna feel the ocean on my skin, I wanna find a way to be happy again, and I don’t want to let go of you”.

If you find something worth fighting for, someone worth fighting for, grab it with both hands, fight for it, And it won’t always be this hard. And in the meantime, there is music, and good friends and good food. 

X