Today I was looking about on twitter, like I do sometimes and discovered an inspiring piece Mark Feehily from Westlife wrote about Bullying.
It is part of an Anti-bullying campaign in the Republic of Ireland.
Mark I'm proud of you. I've never, ever, posted what I'm about to say before.
There were times in my life just like you describe. I was bullied pretty much all my school life. The Few times I did speak out where times when it did make things worse. Because then, not only were you all the things they said you were, you were also a grass. Then there was the time they stuck chewing gum in my hair and my teacher had to sit and cut it out very carefully for about an hour. I went to the head of year, I told them who was responsible and all I got was 'you can't go accusing people'.
The bullies stole my confidence, and then they stole my friends. I had a lazy eye, I was shy, quiet, and I was top of my class. That definitely made me an easy target. They used to call me some horrific names. You start to believe all the things they say you are. stupid, ugly, dumb, unlovable, worthless...One girl even pinched me just below my eye and left a mark for months. My parents were furious, the girl didn't get into any trouble, and then a few months before we left primary school, she stole my only friend. I was 10 years old and I remember feeling incredibly low and isolated. I remember sitting in the playground one day, acutely aware of how I looked. I should have been a little girl playing with the others but instead I remember thinking my thighs are fatter than theirs. I was TEN.
I was clever enough to go to a grammar school but instead I decided to to an integrated school. Mainly because I wanted my own fresh start, my new beginning, and it had the most awesome music department I had seen. The bullies were going to the grammar school. For a while everything was good. I had some friends and although they were the misfits I had somewhere I belonged. But it wasn't to last for long. One girl in the group accused me of stealing her pencil and she had everyone abandon me. EVERYONE. For 18 long months I used to spend my lunchtimes sat at the radiator, starving myself, unable to face the bullying in the canteen, and the fact that I was the loser kid with no one to sit with. I used my dinner money to buy CDs.
One day I met a girl who did want to know me, who knew my heart was genuine and she is today still my best friend. She said I was worth knowing when I had no one else. but I was never part of a group of friends again. at sixth form I spent my lunchtimes hanging out with the guys and the girls were left to have their girly bitching sessions the other side of the room. we talked science, music, technology. I was a geek. but I was proud of who I was.
But my life was still spiralling into depression. There was only one thing that kept me going, music. There were many days when I considered suicide and then I was reminded of something the gay kid told me 'suicide is selfish'. He was my only friend in sixth form, and he was a huge part of my life for so long, unknown to me, he was actually gay, but I loved him more than I've never loved anyone, and he was a huge influence in keeping me awake and alive. he was like me, a geek, a loser, a music freak. i wasn't alone. someone believed in the same things I did. Like me he was picked on too. I'd lose track of how many times he would tell me he felt unlovable :(
The worse times were on the bus home from school. because the buses were so full, the bus inspector made me get a specific bus to my village. I used to try and hide on the other bus and he would come and get me and throw me off. They used to spit at me, throw sticky sweets in my hair, or chew up pits of paper and spit them at me with a straw. I was never beaten up thankfully but the emotional abuse I suffered for years on end affected me greatly as an adult and took me years to try and come to terms with. The depression I suffered was horrific, I wouldnt wish it on a single one of my tormentors. Besides, they mostly ended up in prison or pushing buggies as young teen mums anyway. I got a degree. I went to university, and unlike the two thirds of bullying victims who don't last at uni because they cant cope, I did. but it was some of the darkest hours of my life.
so yes Mark, I do support your campaign, and yes I do understand what you define as 'hell'. Some days I'm still living it. No confidence, few friends, no social life where I live (all my friends are other fans of bands who live in other parts of the country) and the depression is something I will continue to fight for a long time to come.
Sometimes I still feel like that lost little girl, because, sometimes I still am.
Here was what Mark Wrote for the Irish Herald:
By Mark Feehily
Tuesday August 09 2011
THE bruises and blood in my photo might be make-up, but it represents real blood and bruises I had as a result of a very real beating or three I received not long before I joined Westlife.
I am involved with the ISPCC Anti-Bullying Campaign because I personally experienced bullying a lot in life. To this day I still have memories of that experience within me that shape who I am.
SOLITARY
Because I am in a position to create awareness and to inspire conversation I took the opportunity to do something positive to help other people in this solitary place which can only be described as hell.
For example, at one point in school, for months on end, I crept from class to class via alternative routes in order to escape being punched and kicked.
They found me one day and attacked me from behind.
Other times it was being afraid of being spat on, slapped in the face or being called a fat bastard or fat queer.
Because I lacked the confidence to stand up for myself. Because I was a bit shy. Perhaps it was because I displayed a tiny bit of effeminate behaviour or because I wasn't loud or cocky or quick to think of a witty reply.
I think this made it low risk for people to verbally and physically attack me.
I am involved because at points in my life bullying has had a devastating effect on me and due to suffering in silence, I had some very low and lonely periods.
Children, whether very young, or in their teenage years, should not have to put up with this. The victims of bullying mostly live in silence, which is caused by the fear that if they speak out, the beatings or abuse will get worse.
I know this, I lived this. That's why I'm passionate about this new campaign.
BLIND
People seem to turn a blind eye to bullying unless they themselves or someone close to them experiences it.
The celebrities involved in this campaign have millions of fans around the world. These photos will hopefully ignite compassion in all our fans, and inspire them to get involved and help ISPCC and other similar charities around the world.
- Mark Feehily
