baby hold on.

My name is Hayley.
I am lost.
And I don’t know how I will ever be found.
Or if I ever will be.

What I do know is that mine is a restless heart.
And all I keep asking myself is am I where I want to be?
The answer? No.

I dunno what to do.
Or what to say.
But if I don’t say something then I think I might just go insane.
It’s this sadness that is consuming me.
It’s this feeling of despair.
I really hope all this pain now is somehow worth it later.
I thought I had most of it worked out.
Trying to remember the last time I felt this low and finding it hard to remember. Probably about year ago.
I just want to scream and someone hear me. Because it feels like I’m shouting under my breath.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve lost my faith in people. Even this blog now, designed to pour my heart out, and yet it’s more guarded bullet points than paragraphs. And I don’t even know where to post it so that only the people I want to see it will.

Reading back at how low I was before side 2, two things are clear. How much my friends love me and me them, and how much worse that low was then to this one now.
I would do anything to not feel so low like this. It’s so hard when you get into a hole to get out. And that’s just it; you can never truly know how you got out the hole last time to do the same this time.

And all this started because my flatmate is moving out. And it sent me into a spiral of despair. I’ve got to try and find a new flatmate. I’ve got to have them come round and present myself to these prospective new flatmates, I’ve got to have people judge me, and then I’ve got to live with one of them. So my sister and I also started looking for a new place, I can’t really afford too nice a place and I just wish things were different. This anxiety cripples me. As does the depression.

I wish I could be this super sassy 24 year old. Yet I still feel like this messed up shy 18 year old. And I don’t know what to do. I’m drifting aimlessly when I should have answers.

The older I get, the worse stress affects my body and yet still I can’t seem to stop it.

It’s so frustrating when all those words of encouragement from friends and Darren himself seem to fall on deaf ears.

A friend rung me the other night and was asking me questions. And I just froze. Didn’t know how to describe what Darren meant to me, or how I was feeling. One of my best friends and I was trying to shut him out. Thankfully he didn’t let me and made me laugh instead. You know who you are, and I adore you for it.

I keep thinking of something a dear friend said to me once, Ireland needs a hayley, and hayley needs her Ireland. All I wanna do is go home. I’m so happy at home. I guess September isn’t too far away. But right now, a day seems a lifetime.

My sister and her boyfriend are going on holiday in September. I long for a holiday. But I don’t have any friends to go with. I long to see the world. To see the sunset, the beauty, the Kodak moments. The WOW moments. What I long for most is someone to share my life with, be it friend or lover, because I’ve got so much love to give and it feels like it is spilling out and going nowhere.

These are lyrics to an Enrique song I found the other day, ironic I find the song now, he could be talking about me.

Baby Hold On.

“She bought a ticket to nowhere
And she told me that she's sick of this life
She said, "Don't worry, it's alright."
'Cause she doesn't wanna see me cry

Oh, I wish that she could see
How beautiful she is to me
Oh, please don't let go
Baby, baby; be strong
So much you don't know
Life is crazy sometimes
I know it's not easy, but
Baby, baby; hold on

I wipe the tears from her face
She's forgotten how her smile used to feel
She holds my hand and she whispers,
"Tell me why you love a loser like me."

Now I should go about being less hard on myself, people always tell me to care less for others and more for myself. But as Darren Hayes says, “it's easier to give than receive love” ;)

If you’ve listened to that ramble then thank you.

xx