The Anatomy of Darren Hayes Fan Club.

Back in 2003 when I‘d had ‘Spin’ and the Savage Garden albums a while (since autumn 2002) and got really into the music, I’d sit in my room in Ireland and write letters to D. Well I wrote two. I think in my head they were gonna be sent to the fan club in Australia, in reality, they are still in my room.  More than a decade later, I guess there wasn’t much written in those letters on that red paper that remains unsaid anyway.

When I joined the fan club I did so just as ‘The Tension and The Spark’ listening parties were happening. It was April 2004 and I wanted to know where the gossip on the new album was at, and it was at the fan club. I had dial up internet on a really old windows 98 PC. I couldn’t even see the website as it was using flash. It would just load a grey page. Underneath the grey page, the links still worked if you knew where to click. I remember really enjoying this new world of blogs and pictures and the forum.

I remember that envelope arriving from Aus with Dzine 6 inside. One thing that stuck with me from the beginning was Tracey’s kindness. I would email her asking how to make flash work to see the website properly (she was so helpful, but truth be told the PC was just too old). One day I had a look in the fan club shop. I was gutted that not all of the first five Dzines were in the shop to buy as back issues. Tracey added them to the site for me so I could buy them. I knew then that this fan club run by D’s family really cared about us. I ordered a few things from the shop; it would always excite me when they arrived.  I ordered that massive Too Close For Comfort poster, the customs declaration was signed by Darren’s mum, Judy. It touched me that this really was a family run Fanclub.

I guess as a teen, I did idolise Darren. I had this idea in my head of what a popstar was. Of whom Darren was.  An illusion, a person you thing you know, but don’t. A person where you don’t get to see all sides to the story, you know, an ideology. An image conjured up in your head, a superhero character, that couldn’t possibly exist. Because, ultimately this popstar you worship, is in fact, human.  Just like you and me. That old saying, ‘Never meet your heroes’. But so many people on the forums had met Darren and sworn how lovely and normal and kind he was. That was my ultimate goal, to meet this man. Sitting in my bedroom in Ireland, I knew one day it would happen. That I just had to wish to the universe and wait.

The fan club forums really were a haven for me. I’d gone to uni, in the grips of homesickness and depression (unbeknownst to me then). I reached out at the forums for people who could just understand me, help me cope, make me feel less alone. I never thought I would find this amazing community; it really was this place where I could come and not feel alone. Not feel judged. Finally I felt like I belonged somewhere. People understood me, and me them. Some of my best friends I met through D. The fan club felt like home.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined where joining this fan club would take me. I begged for the membership for my 18th birthday present from my parents, I remember my mum telling me I wouldn’t even be there in a year’s time. Well, I’m still here a decade later ;). My very first Darren Hayes show was a fan club VIP to dark light. I didn’t really understand then, that the access we got to the soundcheck and pre-show party wasn’t something every artist did. I remember the official Chat room chats, enter a question and hope yours gets sent to D to answer. I remember my first official chat, it was just as so beautiful was released. I asked the dumbest question but I sat shaking as D replied. Then I discovered sometimes you could actually speak to D in the chat room. Unannounced. That blew my mind a little bit. I didn’t know what to say, even now, the other week, I didn’t know what to say. I kinda think there is nothing I want to say to D that hasn’t already been said. And I have a hard time interacting so personally with someone I adore. Or maybe that’s just me, socially awkward anyway. I certainly didn’t think the fan club would ever give me the chance to attend the Time Machine Tour DVD screening and speak to D properly, or attending a Secret’s out tour meet and greet as one of my dearest friend’s +1.

I still struggle with the relationship between artist and fan. I’ve always held D at arms length, almost as an idol. I wish I could be more friendly with him and less like I’m about to die. A friend once said to me, (to paraphrase) “you don’t get the chance to be this close to a pop star. You can hold any pop star at arm’s length, but the relationship D builds with fans is something you should grab with both hands”. She was right, but I think the way I interact with D, will always stay the same. I will always not know what to say, always stand shaking and always walk away feeling like a cross between the happiest person alive and the dumbest idiot. We let D give everything he has to us, yet I’m not so willing to let my guard down in return. The more I speak to D, the more I worry about what he thinks of me as a person. Yet I know I shouldn’t think like that, I do. I’m so so very blessed to have had all I’ve had with D. It blows my mind that this teen from Ireland got her dream to meet D, on more than one occasion, and that he just happens to know who I am.

We get so much more than other pop stars offer you. What other pop star would reply to you on the fan club forum, look you up on myspace and tell you ‘it was lovely to put a face to the name’ after a fangirling ‘OMG I MET DARREN’ fanclub post? What popstar would let you privately message them on myspace, not only read it, but respond? In that message were some of the darkest moments of my life, told honestly. Because D was so honest with us, I felt like I owed him the same honesty in return for why I was a fan. His reply, sits in my bedside cabinet, even 5 years later. I’m so grateful for the love and support D has shown me, even now, even last month.

The way I interact with other fans and Darren has changed. I spent more time interacting with D on twitter, and other fans on facebook. I love this fan club, it’s given me so much joy. The blogs, the ramblings, the diary entries… the interaction with D in topics across the fan club. I remember so vividly a conversation with D about a song called ‘H’. And the night D wrote the space monkey poem at 3am.

It really been a blast, and I’m sorry to say goodbye and wish we didn’t have to. But it’s not the end, there is still other ways to interact with D and other fans.

In the past ten years I’ve done a lot of soul searching, I wear my heart on my sleeve and some of it was vented through the fan club forums. I’m certainly not the same person now that I was then. Thank God. D’s music continues to make me happy and take me to a place where things don’t suck as much. I just wish I had D’s bravery and courage.

The fan club really does feel like a family, Thank you D for giving us so much of yourself.

I’m super excited for the one man show next year (THIS YEAR!!).

Here’s to the next part of the story.

Much Love,

Hails.

xx