'He'

I feel compelled to write this blog.

I'm currently on a Boeing 737-800 cruising at 35,000 feet somewhere over the Irish sea towards Dublin. I don't think I have sat in the front of a plane since the day I left Ireland 10 and 1/2 years ago. 

On my iPod I have a playlist of 7 'new' songs off the Savage garden re-releases. I'm looking out in wonder at the clouds and blue sky, and I can see the wing and the engine of the plane which is essentially my life support right now. How amazing is that we place our lives in the hands of engineering? Not just planes but every single day in cars, buses.. 

As the plane taxied to take off, I looked out at the lights that lit the runway and I smiled. A knowing smile. I've always loved aviation and my Ireland. I've always loved flying. 

And I've always loved Savage Garden and Darren Hayes. Over the last few years as Darren has grown as a person and pursued other aspects of his life away from his music, truth is, so have I. I've followed other bands, travelled the UK, chased boys, chased love, and worked on a better me. I've chased a happiness and confidence that eluded me for so long. I've currently lost 21.6 kg, 47.6lbs, 3.5 stone whichever way you wanna put it. I'm much happier, content and confident now. I faced my depression and anxiety and I'm slowly winning. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I've worked on the walls surrounding me and started to bring them down. I've still got a long way to go but Darren teaches me every single day that if he won, I can too. 

There are sometimes I still falter. These past few weeks have been rocky. And then yesterday something amazing happened. Savage Garden re-released their two studio albums and a new singles collection in Australia. I managed to recover my old dodgy Aussie iTunes account last night and use my last $16 to download 'she' and my six favourite live tracks because I'm too impatient to wait for my CDs from Australia. 

The 'new' 1994 demo of a song called 'She' is so heartfelt and beautiful. It very much felt like I was listening to D singing for his life. The vocal FLOORED me. D won me over with a gorgeous ballad, just like he first did 17 years ago with 'Truly Madly Deeply'. 

And that brings me back to why I'm writing this blog. On the bus to the airport I listened to 'Crash and Burn' (live from London radio) for the first time. We drove past a poppy field and I was reminded that even in times of strife you can still see beauty if you look for it. Darren's ability to pour his pain into a song as passion and emotion is one of the reasons I ever became a fan. That BEAUTIFUL live version full of pain, passion and conviction and the little lyric changes was just what I needed. I listened to it again. And again. And then again at 35,000 feet. And I closed my eyes so I did have tears rolling down my face. Happy tears. Because I could feel Darren's pain when he sang that song 15 years ago, and he made it, he survived, and so did I. 

I listened to that live version of crash and burn and I wondered how many people listening to the radio that day in London when it was first broadcast felt as inspired as I did just now. How many lives D saved with his honesty that day.

"You feel like your caught, you're caught in a one way street, with the monsters that are always in your head.. And you feel like, you feel like me, like I can't face another day.. You'll always breathe again, there's always another day, you wake up and you'll breathe, and you'll breathe again.. Give me a moment please, for I will tame it, I'll tame your wild wild heart"

I love you D. You are such a beautiful human being. You will always be my number 1 because we will always be two people who have more in common that our taste in music. You have the ability to connect directly to my soul and save me from myself. And I'm forever grateful for you and that song. 15 years ago and today. It saved me then, and it's bittersweet now. Time elapsed means nothing to the right song.

And like that day 10 and a 1/2 years ago, when I landed in Nottingham for the first time and I walked into my local pub and Savage Garden was playing ('Hold Me' if I remember correctly), I know now, what I knew then. It's going to be alright. Because I'm a fighter. A survivor.

THANK YOU will never ever be enough. I love you D.

Maroon 5 Wembley Arena London 26 May '15

What a great couple of days in London for Kelly's birthday. I'd been looking at maroon 5 tickets on Twitter and was getting nowhere but we decided we would get tickets somehow. The evening before the gig I found a guy on Twitter selling two for face value to be exchanged in central London on the afternoon of the show. I was nervous but glad thankfully he was genuine and we had a great show. So glad I found that tweet when I did. I will always believe in what's meant to be.

TGI Friday's was standard for dinner, it's a tradition. It had some really great tunes going on and a great vibe. I love London.

Maroon 5 was fun. We turned up at 18:50, I got a cider and still we got end of the barrier. So chilled out and we could even get out to go to the toilet. Was a bit weird to be so chill lol. The support act 'Nick Gardner' was good. Nice voice but needs a bit of work. His cover of Madonna's like a prayer blended into Hoizer's Take Me To Church was awesome and actually emotional. Magic! however were shite. They are some jumped up band with a singer that loves himself and they think they're reggae. They ain't. Absolute crap.

Maroon 5 were awesome. Such detail to an elaborate light show and Adam's a great frontman.

I apologise in advance for the references here on in about the ex. He was a huge fan of maroon 5 and the last time I seen him before he walked out was maroon 5 at the O2. I wasn't sure how I would feel seeing the band again. But I surprised myself with how songs tied to a memory can actually feel different 18 months later. Or maybe I've just moved on from the arsehole.

The opener was 'Animals' and I don't get all this howling like a wolf Adam was doing. Just a bit unnecessary. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not really a fan of the new album 'V'. I only bought it last week but it didn't strike me as that great.

'One More Night' was fun. Never really rated it 18 months ago but it means something now.

I ADORE Adam singing 'Stereo Hearts'. He raps so well and lyrically the song means a lot of me. It always did. It always makes me sing for my life. I love it.
"My heart's a stereo, It beats for you, so listen close.. Make me your radio, And turn me up when you feel low"

'Harder to Breathe'. It's a great crowd pleaser but you know I love the ballads. It's a great song and the catwalk was a nice touch. They've got a great stage set up.

'Lucky Strike' I love. It's got the most fun chorus.
"Oh oh oh my lucky strike. Your body rocking, keep me up all night, One in a million, my lucky strike"

'Wake Up Call' I LOVE Adam's attitude when he is singing this song. Revenge and spite are so much fun.
"Six foot tall, Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead. He won't come around here anymore, Come around here? I don't think so".

'Love Somebody' THIS song. Wow. I remember singing my heart out to this song 18 months ago when I was still in love with my ex and wishing I could love somebody. I really wanted that. As much as I still want that, I'm cynical and jaded now, and I found myself not quite as into the song as I thought I would be. Took me by surprise but I LOVE that song. It's such a great upbeat number.

'Maps'. Another one of 'V' and another one I could pass on.

'This Love' awwww. Old skool. I will always love this song. It was what brought the band to my attention.

'Sunday Morning' such a sweet song and a great sing-a-Long track. Always goes down well live.
"That may be all I need, In darkness she is all I see, Come and rest your bones with me"

'Makes Me Wonder' I love this song. "And it really makes me wonder, If I ever gave a fuck about you"

The band all came to the front of the stage, will an old skool microphone and Adam sang an acapella intro for 'Payphone'. Wow. He sounded so good with 12,500 people singing along. I love this song. It used to make me cry thinking about the ex but now it's just a damn great song that I adore.

'Daylight'. I was never really keen on this song when 'overexposed' was released but after the last tour I loved it because it meant something. It was a song I held close. And I didn't really realise that until it made me a little emotional last night.

Encore:

'This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like a Motherfucker'. I'm not keen on this song. The shock value I'm not a fan of. I love Adam's no shit attitude but I'd rather have the sweet Adam of yesteryear singing a love song. Swearing for the sake of swearing is a bit pointless. I loved Adam defending swearing though LOL.

'She Will Be Loved'. Adam asked the crowd to put their phones and cameras away for this one song. The people cheering where the ones watching it through a camera lens all night. He seemed shocked most of the crowd agreed and that was sad to me. He remarked that in America I takes him about 4 hours to get them to do it. I'm as guilty as the next person of talking pictures but photography is a passion of mine, as is creating memories to look back on. For me it's not so much about 100's of pictures of Adam but I try and capture staging, lights, emotion... I love that he cussed out the person with the selfie stick on the front row and called them selfish and that the person 30 rows back hated them. Gooooo Adam. Anyhoo.. It was strange watching him on the big screen without 1000's of camera lights on him. It sounded so good. I just looked up into the rafters of the lighting rigs and got lost in this song. It got me emotional, I was connected in a moment and it was like I was 16 in my bedroom in Ireland with my bestie listening to Songs about Jane for the first time. "Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while, and she will be loved"

'Moves Like Jagger'. This song is just so overrated and overplayed and I never loved it. It's great that it brought the band back to the mainstream but God I'm bored of it. I long for them to play some of the 'hands all over' album tracks the casual fans don't know. Like 'how' and 'just a feeling'.

'Sugar' was a bit of a strange last song, another one of the new album that I'm not keen on.

All in all a great show and that McDonald's Arizona nacho grande burger after the show was to die for. Thank you kelly for inviting me spend your birthday with you. What an honour and I hope you had fun.

Today was lovely. We had a cavery at the posh 'strand palace hotel', went shopping at Covent Garden and Leicester Square. I literally screamed when I saw the minions in build-a-bear whoops. Bit loud :p. £35 is a bit steep for a fully kitted out one and they don't have Carl or Dave. Rude. I spent a FORTUNE on Pokemon memorabilia in forbidden planet, fell in love with shoes I can't afford, got some minion London Pj's and a Lion King tote bag from primark's finest, and stopped off for the cupcake pilgrimage to the hummingbird bakery.

Then we went to see tomorrowland at the cinema in Leicester Square. There is something more magical about cinema when it's Leicester Square. It's a shame all the adverts and trailers meant we had to leave early but it's a lovely Disney film full of hope. we had to leave just as it was getting good so I'll have to wait for the DVD now. Need to know what happens, PS no one tell me.

I'll leave you with a quote from Tomorrowland that I ADORED:
"You have two wolves, one representing darkness and despair, the other light and hope. Which one lives? The one you feed.”

Now I need my bed. Brandon flowers round 3 of 3 tomorrow in Birmingham :D

Brandon Flowers Manchester Academy 24 May 15

I think Brandon flowers last night broke me. My arse still hurts from sitting on that pavement queuing & I'm dying of a cold but... Round 2 of 3 was incredible. Truly probably the best solo gig I've seen him do. He sounded incredible. And those moments when he had a grin on his face when he saw me singing my heart out made my night.

'Dreams come true' is a great opener but I wanna experience 'untangled love' as an opener. Hopefully Birmingham. 'Dreams come true' makes me giggle. "Don't go shooting all the dogs now, Just cause one's got fleas". It's got a message though. "Dreams come true
Yes they do..
If you see things a little different
I'm not casting any stones..
I'll overcome the dark"

'Can't deny my love' is a great crowd pleaser. And that grin when he saw me singing for my life, <3 .="" p="">
"Remember this?" Asked Brandon. 'Crossfire'. I love it a lot more than I ever did 5 years ago. It's so much fun live.

Then 'jilted lovers and broken hearts'. I came alive. I was transported back to almost 5 years ago in Dublin when the crowd was bouncing on that wooden floor. This song was always one of my live favourites. so happy I got to hear it again last night.
"I need a place to take refuge
See I been loving you blind
And I guess that made it hard for me to find"

'Hard enough'. I love it. Also memories of 5 years ago. "It's been hard enough on you, it's been hard enough on me"

'Jenny was a friend of mine' was funny. "I want you to listen closely to the lyrics and then decide whether or not he done it"... end of the song... "Well what do you think? Who thinks he didn't do it? *few screams*.. Who thinks he did do it? *everyone screams* "we'll he hasn't got a chance" HAHA.

'Lonely town' was so much fun. Another grin from Brandon as I sang and danced for my life. I swear you can't put a price on the happiness live music gives me.

Then 'digging up the heart'. I knew he was gonna sing this one as I took a cheeky picture of a set list before it was moved and put on the floor. Couldn't read half of it but could read 'dreams come true' was the opener and this one. I was so happy. I love this song so much. It's close to my heart. "He’s digging up the heart, To know the price he paid"

'Read my mind' will always be a fave of mine. I love this reworked version. Brandon remarked he liked reworking it and the girls brought something new to it and that he was reminded of when he wrote it. I dunno what happened but halfway through he lost his place in the lyrics. I think the song was close to his heart last night, and he was in a mindset of thinking about the content of the song and lost his concentration. I love him though. A few years ago he would have been so hard on himself, now he just shrugs and laughs.

'Magdalena'. I didn't bother recording the speech because I done it in Brixton but please someone tell me they have a video of it? I died laughing. He explained about the song and the pilgrimage. He said he should do it one year and asked what month it was 'is ur June?' LOL and decided he had 5 months before it happens this year LOL.. Then he said he felt there is musical pilgrimages too. He said coming to Manchester was a pilgrimage for him. He went to the Salford boys club because he wanted to be blessed by Morrissey, and he went to The Hacienda because he wanted to be forgiven by Bernard Sumner. Then he asked what's the furthest someone's travelled to the gig tonight, someone shouldn't Nevada in a mancunian accent and Brandon copied the accent perfectly and laughed that they didn't sound like they where from Nevada. I laughed so hard. He's so cute.

I'm sorry but 'swallow it' will always make me giggle.

'The way it's always been' I adore. It means a lot to me.
"Ain't that the way that it's always been?, Standin' at the water's edge waiting for the fog to clear"

'Only the young'. Awww the snap dance. I love it. And another grin from Brandon. "Only the young can break away, break away. Lost when the wind blows, on your own"

The Mr Brightside Jacques Lu Cont Remix was fun but it dawned on me that the 'I never' part is missing in parts of the remix he's playing on this tour. Kinda felt a bit lacking. The crowd was singing the words over the melody. I was still bouncing though, even though those around me didn't seem to wanna bounce with me. Fuck it, carried on ;) I really wanna get 'Human' in Birmingham though.

The encore. They brought out a second microphone and Brandon came out and said we might have noticed the second microphone and that he sill remembers living in a small town in Utah back when MTV was still relevant and played music videos. He was about to go on a rant I think and stopped himself LOL. He said he could remember the room and the kind of day it was when he saw new order on the TV and that years later the band would have still have an impact on him. He said he didn't wanna take up anymore more of our time before bringing him out and out came Bernard Sumner himself to do 'bizarre love triangle'. Brandon's little happy face was adorable. You could see on his face he was singing with an idol and it meant a lot to him. After Bernard left the stage Brandon said 'that was about as good as it gets'. Awww.

Then 'I can change'. I love it. Such a little dance number.
"I can bend, I can break, I can shift
I can shake, Place the trail through the drive of rain. Girl I can change for you. I can change for you"

Then the last song "still want you". Brandon sung it with such conviction last night, you could tell he was thinking about his family in that moment. It was adorable.

Then we went outside to the stage door. Jake was on the balcony and he said if we were quiet he had a treat for us. Out came Brandon singing 'The Way It's Always Been' acoustic with just one guitar. He sounded INCREDIBLE. I was floored. He's just done 17 songs inside and he still sounded amazing. A crowd of about 100 just connecting, singing along with Brandon, a mutual respect. It was so beautiful.

He came out afterwards and was doing selfies and signing stuff. I said hi but didn't get a chance to get a selfie as we were too far along and behind the fence. Damn. He's such a beautiful kind, humble human being. And a little shy. I just adore him.

Roll on Birmingham on Thursday. I WANNA DO THE ENTIRE TOUR. *stamps feet*.

London and meeting Brandon Flowers HMV Oxford street 22 May '15

What a day. I'm dead. The step counter says 13 miles walked, 12 more Shaun's found which makes it 50/50 and London complete wahoo! The last 5 'the farmer's lost sheep' were hard to find. They aren't available to locate within the app so I had to resort to the paper trail map & postcodes on google map. It was me that was bloody lost not the sheep. Had a detour around half of Paddington station at rush hour and half of St James park on a mad dash to get the last one before my train :/ was fun though.

And then there was the small matter of meeting Brandon Flowers at lunchtime. He's so kind and adorable and smiley and awwww.

"Brandon flowers flashed that smile at me as I stood shaking.
Hails: hi, Last night was great.
Brandon: awww thanks. Do you want me to make this out to anyone?
Hails: Hayley. H-AY-L-E-Y. thank you".
*still shaking* so proud of me I managed more than Hi. LOL.

I Met a lovely German fan, Jana, in McDonald's that was in front of me at the signing and had lunch with her. The Killers / Brandon fans are the kindest. Never underestimate the beauty of strangers. Thank you so much Leonie for giving me the wristband to meet Brandon.

Of course there was also a hummingbird's cake detour. There is always time for cake ;) and I don't need the map for that haha.

Today was lovely. It was so great to see the beauty of the canal boats on the water at Paddington basin, the trees, greenery and birds at St James park, and the contrast of the gherkin of the financial district.

I love this city. It makes my heart ache.
"Not all those who wander are lost"
"Travel is is the only thing we buy that makes us richer"

PS I wanna go to the gig tonight. Wahhhhh.

London and Brandon Flowers Brixton 21 May '15

What an amazing day. Wandered around London in the 20°C sunshine and got 9 more Shaun's on the trail. Up to 38/50 now. Then there was a 99 Ice cream cone down at tower bridge, it was always one of my 'must go one day' places and now I've seen it. Walked Approximately 8 miles. I feel so blessed to get to enjoy such a beautiful city. I still have hopes and dreams. And a bit of sunburn I think LOL.

Then I headed to Brixton to see Brandon flowers. Got 5th row seated on the balcony, which was the first row to allow standing and it was an amazing gig. 'Remember this one?' It was 'Crossfire' and it was so much fun. 'Magdalena' and 'hard enough' were a blast from the 2010 past. Brandon commented that 'the good thing about time off from my day job with the killers is that I get to rework songs and discover things you hadn't noticed before' and the reworked 'Jenny' I gotta admit was good although I'm not keen on that song. Took me right back to when I first bought hot fuss. Then 'lonely town'. The place exploded. I love that song so very much and it looks like the other 5,000 people there did too. 'I can change' was gorgeous. I saw Brandon look over to the corner of the stage and wondered if his wife was there. That reworked version of 'read my mind' was beautiful. Always a fave of mine. 'Swallow it' will alway make me giggle. Sorry. 'Only the young' had the snap dance. I've really missed that. Brandon looks so happy and sounds even better on this tour. The place exploded at the Jacques lu cont remix of 'Mr brightside' I could feel the balcony bouncing, Brandon was bouncing too. So much energy. Then the encore, Brandon brought out Chrissie Hynde for 2 songs. He said he regretted not making the press aware how much the pretenders influenced the killers. They done 'don't get me wrong' which was fun. Brandon was dancing perfectly with Chrissie but then it all went a bit pear shaped and he threw his hands up and Carried on. I love him so very much. 'Between me and you' is beautiful but I wasn't sure about Chrissie on it tonight if I'm honest. Then the cutest thing ever. Brandon said for the past 12 years we'd been sharing him with someone else and he brought on his wife and 2 of his kids to say hi. It was so cute. The song was 'still want you' and it was a lovely gesture. Then another of my favourites off 'The Desired Effect', 'the way it's always been'. I love that song. All in all a great night. I will always hold Brandon close to my chest, solo and with the killers. We were very blessed to get the duet and 'between me and you' but I couldn't help but walk away wishing for 'digging up the heart'. I'm praying it reappears at Manchester of Birmingham. It's probably my fave off 'the desired effect' right now. 

Cheeky Burger King on the way back to the hotel and now it's sleep time because tomorrow I get to go to HMV and meet Brandon Flowers in the flesh and have him sign 'The Desired Effect' for me. Dead but excited. 

My End of Year List of Amazing Things 2014

1. ALBUM THAT SURPASSED ALL OTHERS

Ed Sheeran - X.

 This could be the best record of the last five years. It really is something truly exceptional. ‘Thinking out loud’ and ‘shirtsleeves’ are most played songs of the year. 

2. ALBUM THAT MADE ME SMILE

The Script - No Sound without Silence.  

Truth be told this album will never be #3, but I do love some of it. It has moments of genius like ‘Flares’ and ‘Without Those Songs’. These boys do make me smile.

3. MAN I'D LIKE TO BE BEST FRIENDS WITH

Scott McEwan from The Candle Thieves.

 Scott is literally the kindest and most humble person I know. It's been an honour to get to know him a little better at gigs this year. He’s an amazing talent.

4. THING YOU'RE MOST SICK OF

Condems. They fuck up our world and get away with it. Nuff said.

Honourable mention to Nigel Farage. Racism and idiocy has no place in today’s Britain. He really is the modern day Hitler and that is scary. Please don’t vote for someone with no policies.

5. THING I MOST DESIRED BUT DIDN'T GET

To get to the U.S. of A. 

So Darren Hayes' one man show didn't happen but I still dream of the US and A.

6. ALBUM THAT MOST STIRRED MY SOUL

Sam Brookes - Kairos. 

So many emotional songs. ‘On the mend’, ‘Breaking Blue’, ‘Crazy world and you’ and ‘This is the Place’. It’s made me question what I’m doing here, it’s made me search my soul for answers, and it’s also made my heart sing. Sam is such a talent.

7. MOST STYLISH MAN

Glock of ‘The Candle Thieves’ and ‘Sharks and Bears’ fame. 

T-shirt, blazer, Jeans. Love that smart casual. 

8. FAVOURITE MUSIC VIDEO

Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud.

The most amazing video with attention to detail. It's the way all the little things add up, like when he spins her around on the floor to be face-to-face. And the way Ed uses her leg as a guitar. It’s such a beautiful video for a beautiful song. 

9. FAVOURITE TELEVISION SHOW

I know it's 2000 and late but ‘Dirty Sexy Money’.

 I can't believe they cancelled it after only 2 series. It was sooooo good. And even after all these years I’m still in love with Peter Krause from Six Feet Under. 

10. FAVOURITE CHARACTER SINCE E.T

Rocket Racoon from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Bradley Cooper makes my Life.

11. COOLEST ROCK STAR

Matt Healy - The 1975. 

I love this band, this man, and all of his demons. I just hope he can overcome his demons and the band have a great future and another album and tour. 

12. BEST PROTEST SIGN

The protests in Russia at the Olympics against Putin's anti gay laws.

13. THE THING THE HUMAN RACE WILL BE ASHAMED OF IN 30 YEARS

The same thing every year when I write this blog, Homophobia.

14. COOLEST STYLE AND DESIGN ICON

Robbie Williams. Robbie just IS an icon. 

15. BEST GIG of 2014

The killers – Liverpool o2 Academy. 

Such a dream come true. I’ve longed to see Brandon play the ‘Vince’ character for two years. It was everything I hoped it would be. And the set list was incredible. UNDER THE GUN!

16. FAVOURITE PICTURE(s) YOU TOOK THIS YEAR.

17. FAVOURITE SINGLE OF 2014

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera – Say Something.

This song has so many memories attached to it. It makes me smile. Makes me happy. Makes me sad. My most played single of 2014 and also my favourite.

18. BEST EP OF 2014

Sharks and Bears - What Doesn’t  Break You,  Makes You Strong

It’s been a year of change. I’m happier now than I ever thought possible but at the start of the year when I was going to see Sharks and Bears play gigs with these songs still little seedlings, it was a revelation. ‘Blind man in the Dark’ which eventually became ‘Let It All Go (Up In Smoke)’ literally was my life. It stirred my broken soul and made me feel again. I’d let my ex back into my life, convinced a second chance would work, but he just hurt me all over again and then one day walked out without a trace. It didn’t seem like it then, but that was the start of something. I chose to be happy. I chose to move on. And I’ve got some great friends around me who supported me. I love you, you know who you are.

19. BEST NEW ARTIST OF 2014

Saint Raymond. 

I seen him at Splendour Festival and then supporting Ed Sheeran. One song struck a chord with me, ‘I Want You’. I love it so much. I need to check this guy out more.

“Should I be on my way? Eliminate the games we play.
Should I be on my way back home?
Should I be on my way? You’re leading me astray.
Should I be on my way back home?

I want you to know that I want you, you know that..”

20. FAVOURITE FILM OF 2014

Maleficent.

Such a beautiful and magical film. I saw it twice in the cinema and it was the film of choice for my birthday. Good memories. Its animation is so amazing and other-worldly.

21. FAVOURITE INDIE ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Gotta be ‘The Candle Thieves’.

The social jet lag EP, and the few gigs I’ve seen the thieves do this year are some of my favourite moments.

22. THING(S) YOU ACCOMPLISHED THIS YEAR.

Being relatively ok in my own skin. It feels good.

23. A LESSON YOU LEARNED THIS YEAR.

Happiness sneaks in a door you did not think was open

24. MOST PLAYED SONGS  IN 2014

John Legend - All of Me

A Great Big World Feat. Christina Aguilera - Say Something

Rita Ora - I Will Never Let You Down

Tiesto - Red Lights

25. MOST EXCITING DISCOVERY THIS YEAR

You can charge your iPhone twice as quick on airplane mode

26. FAVOURITE MOMENTS OF 2014.

Maroon 5 in Birmingham and london – singing for my life.

Newton Faulkner’s tour. Meeting Olivia and now I cant see her never being a part of my life. Getting into Sam Brookes as well.

The candle thieves comeback in Stamford. Amazing.

Mcbusted. Teen dream realised. Not quite the same without Charlie though.

An amazing birthday weekend in Bristol with Loulou and friends.

Winning tickets to the script at itunes festival

Ed Sheeran and Bryan adams at Nottingham arena. Great gigs.

The Paddington bear trail in london in aid of the NSPCC. I loved that so much.

And one final amazing gig: sam brookes at bath chapel arts centre. A great roadtrip with olive and an amazing gig.

27. MEMORABLE EVENTS of 2014.

Robin Williams Death. It made the world brave and raised awareness for depression. So very important.

Flight MH370 going missing. So sad and puzzling. I hope one day the lost souls are found.

Flight MH17 being shot down. I hope one day we get the truth.

28. THING YOU ARE MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2015.

The Script's Tour.

The future of Sharks and Bears, and The Candle Thieves.

The Shaun in the City Trail and Bristol Balloon Fiesta.

U2 at the O2!

Here’s to 2015.

“I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived”

World Mental Health Day 10 October 2014

Today is world mental health day. Thank you jade for bringing it my attention and encouraging me to speak up.

Those closest to me know the battles I've faced for the last decade and more. Depression is a real thing. There were many nights lost in a blur of tears and many days were I felt completely alone in a roomful of my friends. I'm not anti-social, I'm just struggling. There were many times when I had to hit rock bottom to rise again. The darkness becomes so familiar it almost becomes a comfort.

It's not your fault you suffer. I used to feel so guilty for feeling so sad when other people had much more wrong with them, like terminal illnesses. You can't just 'snap out of it' or 'cheer up'. How I wish that was true. Please please talk to someone. Reach out, scream, yell. The person who steps up might not be the person you thought would.

It wasn't until I was much happier and a dear friend was suffering that I realised just how hard it is to be a friend to someone with depression. You feel so helpless because all you can do is listen and encourage them to see their worth, the pain they feel inside is something only they themselves can address. You can't teach someone how to be happy, they have experience for themselves how to work through it. But I know for certain my friends are heroes for sticking by me. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

There are distractions available. ESCAPISM is key. It's not a negative thing if you treat it with the respect is deserves. There are video games to play, there is cinema to go and see, be it Hollywood or art house, there are walks on nature trails, trains to get, places to go, friends to see, gigs to watch, an iPod with a song for every feeling... And failing all that, there is a sunrise and sunset everyday to stare into and realise how beautiful the world is and how lucky you are.

The darkness no longer consumes me. I barely recognise the person I was before but I know how easy it is to slip back into the darkness.

I've been really blessed this year to have such a good run of happiness. Actually happy days, Laughing days. If there is one thing I've learnt this year it's that peace has to come from within. Because as Darren Hayes once sang "The monster you were running from, is the monster in you"

You can and will be happy again. Even if it doesn't seem like it now. It might not be tomorrow, this week, or next month but it will come around again. I will always be a tortured soul prone to depression but you can fight it. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.

"There is hope in the darkness, you know you're gonna make it" - Savage Garden.