So I don’t know where to start. Saturday 5th Feb 2011. It was one of the darkest days in YEARS. It’s that pain so bad that you don’t know where to turn or what to do. Or what to say to yourself. I ended up sitting in the pitch black listening to Savage Garden’s Affirmation album. I couldn’t see how the hell I was gonna survive.
I took two pictures in that darkness. The only light was the flash on my iphone.
I’ve long known that I let little things drag my mood WAYYYY down. This day was prompted by how I felt about someone. How I’ve been picked up and then dragged down by them. I messaged a friend asking for support. I said: ‘I wish there was something I could do, or something someone could say, so I didn’t have to feel this way. It feels like I have a self destruct button I press every Saturday night’. But my friend’s reply was something that really hit me. ‘You should never put your happiness in the hands of others’. I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve come to realise its true. I’m quick to feel desperately let down by people and from that, quick to cut people from my life. But maybe it isn’t them letting me down as me getting too close, expecting too much, relying on them too much and then letting my happiness depend on them and getting hurt when it goes wrong.
In 2008, I documented my life story in a message to a dear friend. His reply after reading near 5000 words: ‘You have taught yourself sub-consciously, to expect to be disappointed, almost as if you are waiting for someone to disappoint you, to let you down. I can understand why’ I felt like it stopped me growing. I tried so hard to learn how to forgive. I tried to forget but it was so hard. Expecting to be let down didn’t make it any easier when it happened. I was always being told I wasn’t good enough & I tried to change & think that maybe I could have a happy ending.
But it’s almost three years later. I thought I was moving forwards but it feels like I’ve just taken 5 steps back. I seem to have been let down my whole life, there is a reason there is a fence around my heart. There is an irony there, I pour my heart out, wear my heart on my sleeve, but when it comes to letting someone love me, the fence comes out. I try to believe the good things people say I am, but it’s so hard. Then I find someone so special, I am willing to bin the fence and it isn’t meant to be. Brilliant. Out comes the fence again.
I don’t know. I’m a total fuck up.
Sometimes it totally fucking sucks to be me.
The same friend, years ago told me to put down Darren Hayes and the iPod and move on. Learn how to be happy without letting songs decide my mood. And I was furious with him, and I told him, it has nothing to do with Darren Hayes or the songs but I need music to survive. But you know what, he is RIGHT. Took so long to see that. Everyday I’m so freaking happy on my way home with my iPod, then, like today, I open my front door, turn my iPod off, and my heart sinks.
‘It’s easier to give than receive love’.
Another friend once said to me, you are always so busy doing things for other people, do something for yourself for once. So I put down the blog I was writing in reply to a stranger and opened the bottle of rose and just chatted to her instead. Lemar’s ‘Just the way love goes’ was the soundtrack. But the truth is, I give everything I have to others because I don’t know to love or be kind to myself. :(
'gotta get strong, keep moving on. someone’s coming to save me'
Fast forward today and I logged into Darren Hayes fan club and there was a post he’d made. The gist of it was 'nothing is worth more than the peace of self acceptance'.
Now about that… WHERE THE FUCKING HELL DO I START?
:(
My life is a mess. It’s the way it’s always been and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
I just want someone to hold me. Love me.
Am I really that bad a person?
‘Don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy you’ll never win the fight’.
Haily I am so sorry. In a lot of ways I know exactly how you are feeling. I know what Darren said is true but accepting yourself is one of the hardest things to do. I think I am having the same issues and maybe that's why I am having such a hard time showing who I really am, being 100% me. Which then makes it hard for me to make connections, hold conversations or even know what to say. It is really hard when your whole life you have gone through some kind of pain. Then when you try to break through that wall, something happens that reminds you of the pain from the past and sets you back. It's a consent battle. It's something I deal with every day.
ReplyDeleteI may not know you all that well but I do you that you are not a bad person. It's just very hard, frustrating and overwhelming trying to over come the pain, the self conscious feelings etc. If you ever need to talk, just let me know. One day you will find your Prince. :) Big hugs
Thanks for your words Teresa.
ReplyDeleteTOTALLY how I feel. Sending you the biggest hug because its horrid to feel this way.
it's a constant battle. sometimes i wonder what normal people think about. or do with their day.
if you ever wanna talk feel free to give me a shout.
i find it hard to make friends, hold friends, make connections, and coversation because i dont know what to do or what to say.
xx
I so know what you mean. It's one reason why I am so quiet in the chat especially when Darren is in.
ReplyDeleteThank you :)