30 songs for 30 days: Day 4: A song that makes you sad

The Lighthouse Family - You Always Want What You Haven't Got.

Taken from their album, Whatever Gets You Through The Day.

It was 2003. I was 15, Desparately unhappy and yet hopelessly in love.

I kept a diary about the guy I loved and I'd sit for hours writing it and listening to this album.

I had one of those novelty artifical fish bubble floor lamps that provided the mood.

I look back at that time, when I was young and my idea of love wasn't tarnished and I felt totally loved up. It used to pain me a little that the guy didn't know I loved him. But mostly I just loved him, freely and unconditionally. FOOL.

Things started going wrong once I sent him a love letter for Valentines. He didn't love me. And he told everyone else but me this fact, along with what I had said in the letter.

It hurt like F**King hell.

For a while after I told him, he refused to speak to me. Buy slowly we became friends. We studied the same A Levels. We were both misfits, science geeks and music freaks. He was a good friend to me for a while. We lost touch after school. I would look for him online and see if I could find him. I didn't find him. But I did in the end.

In fact I eventually found him FIVE years later on facebook. I used to look for him on there sometimes and one day I actually found him. I guess it wasn't the guy's fault really. I had no clue he was gay.

8 days later he came out. I had already kind of worked it out. The shirt he was wearing in his profile pic SCREAMED at me. So I checked out his 'interested in' on his profile. Then sent him a message saying congrats on coming out.

He apologised. I understand that he was confused and Ireland isn't an easiest place to be gay. But it would have saved me so much time, effort and pain had he of told me then. All that freaking out I done about why I was undesirable and unlovable. All the trust issues I have with men... I'm angry.

So yeah, this song makes me sad because it me reminds me of how loved up and I was and then how hurt I was. This album was our album in my mind.

"It's a bittersweet emotion
That I'm feeling baby, now you're happy again
But I'm a little bit disappointed
Cos now you've got your freedom
But you're still looking over the fence
It's always the same
At the end of the day
You always want what you haven't got"